"Not only has my H come back to me and our marriage, he's also come back to himself, the self that he was searching for."
I took this from something you posted on Livnlearn's thread ( I think !).
Excellent. I think that is the key to a successful reconcilliation, and true peace and happiness in the marriage. One MUST be content with oneself.
My H also tamed his demons and found his way back to his "true self." Actually, the man he has become is better than the one he was before the crisis. I genuinuely like this person -- and he likes himself.
Well, actually, I haven't had a thread in well over a year. I'm pretty much a lurker now, with an occasional post here and there. I mostly just come to check up on Rachael from time to time.
I have been reading some of your journaling. You write beautifully and thoughtfully. It's quite a hellish journey that we here on the board have embarked on. I love reading the successes.
Yes, my M is definately a success. I owe so much to this board and Michele's books.
Someday I may come back and actually post my success story, but I find it difficult now to rehash those terrible times.
Perhaps if you're interested, you can do a search under my name here in "Piecing." I originally started in the Infidelity forum back in 11/01. I believe my last threads here were "Is it love or is it guilt," and "Starting over again - one more time." Something like that.
I'm so glad Mattie stopped by your thread. To me, tis' an honor to have her take the time to help me through this.
I asked her to stop in here because your dealing with laying demons to rest. She has CERTAINLY has had to do that and although I think she still thinks back to those times as we all will, she's really her own success story.
What strength it takes to move through all the memories! She's so happy with her "new" husband, she does not have much time to waste on rehashing.
She's a very wise woman, and if you can go back and read her threads, I think you'll know what I mean.
I'm doing quite well at this detaching thing and my turtle of a H has already popped his head from his shell just a bit and tonight he called son while S and I were out to dinner and he asked to talk to me!
Just to chat. I did not ask him to call me. I did not ask what he'd been doing. I acted perfectly happy. Matter of fact, I WASN'T acting! I am happy!
It brought tears to my eyes when I read about your discussion with your H. He loves you so much Jeannine. The things he says!
I think he truly agonizes over what he did to you.
I know what it feels like, and the hardest thing to do is to forgive YOURSELF when you REALLY realize what you've done. That's why I say, while we hate to see our S in pain, this period of guilt is essential for them. If they do not have it, they cannot empathize. If they do not have it then they do not know the full impact of what they've done.
To truly WANT to come back and MAKE things work, they have to have this time.
It's like confessing your sins to God. When you do that, you are really remorseful, and do not want to repeat them again.
This is not to say that they come back out of guilt. Not at all. They come back out of love, and the guilt they feel is normal when they realize the amount of pain they have caused to this person they love.
Do not be alarmed when you see this in your H. Comfort him, for he FEELS your pain inside of him. This tells you that he loves you VERY much indeed.
Thank you for your kindness, hon. You made some very good points in your post. And I'm so glad that you are feeling better.
My H continues to dress my wounds and wrap me in wool.
Just this evening, he fixed a lovely dinner and then attentively listened to me as I recalled my day. I had been in a situation this afternoon that caused some very old hurts to surface. (They had nothing to do with H, just some experiences centered around rejection as I was growing up) - a subject for another time.
Anyway, right after I had mentioned that I sometimes feel like an oddball and don't seem to fit into most social circles, he said ever so sweetly, "YOU are MY favorite person".
A few days ago while driving, I saw an elderly man standing along side the road with a small cardboard sign that simply read "hungry".
Luckily, I had some food in the car, so I swerved through traffic and offered it to him. He was grateful for the offering and commenced eating.
Naturally, I was upset to see this poor, homeless man with his tired little bundle by his weathered shoes, and knowing that he is just one of an ever increasing population.
So there he stood along side of that busy highway in the dead of winter, struggling to maintain a measure of self-dignity as he humbly held his little sign asking for something as basic as food.
I'm getting upset just thinking about this.
I watched from a distance as one expensive car after another just zipped right past him with bearly a glance.
I broke down in tears in my warm car, as I drove to my warm home, where I would later have a warm meal.
Okay, this incident does merit tears.
Then yesterday, I started weeping again for no apparent reason. One of those "out of the blue" moments I guess.
And of course, there was that earlier episode I've already posted (the event that triggered memories centered around rejection).
I've been plagued by anxiety and melancholia of late. And mental acuity?! Ha!! Done gone flat it has.
Then I got to thinking ( or something like it ) that perhaps my mind is being sneaky and is quietly working on last year's events behind my back.
Perhaps traumatic memories act like a magnet for other emotional stuff left over in the ole attic. Hmmmm....
Well, today I was discussing poetry with my H and he asked me if I'd written any lately. I said, "No, not really"..... "well maybe one".
He expressed interest, so I decided to read to him, "Time of Echoes".
I can't give you a lovely, romantic picture of what ensued, because, well.... I lost it. Yep, tears, wobbley chin, pathetic air sucking - the whole silly package.
My H remarked "Well, I guess you are feeling a little ultra-sensitive today".
Ahhh - yeh. That'd be about right.
I eventually managed to stagger across the finish line with four flats and my hood flapping against the windshield.
Even still, he commented on how much he liked it, even though he didn't fully understand it.
I have to say that he was being 'KIND' here.
I mean, have you ever heard someone trying to speak while being strangled? Picture Minnie Mouse trying to be serious while reciting my poem in some smokey coffee house. Weird, huh.
I simply said, "'Time of Echoes' is about memories".
He looked at the floor and mumbled "Oh".
Not sure whether he 'got' it or not, but I'm glad that I had the opportunity to share another little piece of me - with him.
"Oh".