Ultramarathon continues..will I get a second wind?

[jbnati]

It's been awhile since I posted, so I try to put together a quick update. Again, Belize was awesome! I'd recommend it to anyone. I can't wait to do it again. I met a lot of good people in Belize and became a lot closer with some of those on my mission team. I like where my life's going right now for the most part. I just don't like where my M appears to be heading, but I'm choosing not to focus on that.

I returned from Belize on Thursday night almost 2 weeks ago. The morning after my W dropped my S off for school. She informed me that the wife of a longtime pastor friend of hers had passed away. She told me the viewing was Friday evening. During the day I asked her about the details and I ended up going. My W grew up in a church where she knows people statewide. I know this pastor and there is a mutual respect between the two of us. I ended up going. I was walking into a situation where these were mostly her friends and family, although some of them are my friends, too. It was the first time I had seen her family and even longer since I've seen a lot these people. There were a lot of people noticing changes in me. In particular our niece said I just seemed like I was so happy. My SIL noticed my weight loss. One of my W's friends was aware of our situation, and asked me how things are going. Had a nice conversation with him. Pretty much just told him what I'm doing without mentioning DB. e.g. working on becoming my best possible self, looking to God for direction, choosing to be happy, etc.

Still continuing to GAL and staying very busy. Last week I had my Relationships (a.k.a. Ladies') group last Tuesday and Men's group on Thursday. Since I've been back I've hiked 4.5mi., ran 9 mi., biked 34 mi., and walked 2 mi. - with more to come.

Last weekend I didn't have my S. He was with my W. I had a movie night with my Men's group on Friday night and a church community group on Saturday night.

Before I had left for Belize, I had organized a Laser Tag birthday party for my S. We had that on Sunday afternoon. There were definitely some interesting dynamics going on there - some that I felt good about and others I didn't feel as good about. First of all, it was a 180 for me to put together a birthday party in the first place. It's traditionally been my W who does those kind of things. If you consider the adults that attending the party, it was me and my W and her family. I guess you could say I was outnumbered. I had put together a picture album from Belize to share with everyone. Not trying to overshadow my S's birthday. Another 180 - I brought the camera and was the official shutterbug for the party. Toward the last portion of the party, her family was joking around among themselves - I felt a little cut out, but not too bad.

So I continue to GAL and DB and wait. I am waiting for God's will in this and for His purpose in allowing me to go through this. I have periods where I'm feeling better than I did even before the bomb , periods where I'm feeling a little "blah" and low , and period where I'm dealing with a low level anxiety.

Do I want my family back? You betcha! Do I want my W back? That's tougher to answer - not without changes. From my perspective, she would have to show a re-commitment to Christ and to our M. I definitely don't want the old M back. Do I have a good reason to even visit these questions? Not really. The truth is my W is not really showing any tangible signs of wanting to come back and re-build the M. She also is not on the fast track to D anymore- but I try not to read too much into that one.

OK - that was supposed to be a quick update.