Not much to say today. It rained, I stayed in bed with the dogs. Then forced myself to go to the gym and lift weights.
I asked H did he think I should still be buying him food, if we are "seperated". He said since he does all the work and makes all the money that he thinks I should keep the food stocked.
So I went and bought groceries after the gym. Because last night when he didn't have his favorite ice cream available I thought he was going to cry.......
My BFF came over and took me out shopping. She wanted her bedroom that was just finished furnished before her upcoming double masectomy. (Nightmare 2 year simple addition to a tiny Hawaiian house with the contractor skipping out with the funds and house not finished.) And she bought me dinner.
So H was on his own and ate leftovers. It is all good!
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
I'm glad you got out of the house for a bit. It was very nice that your friend asked you to go w/her. She's getting ready to face major surgery and I'm sure she wants her bedroom completed and ready for her return. What did she decide on in the way of furnishings?
I'm sorry you h is acting like a butt. If he had started crying about his favorite ice cream, I think I would have been tempted to just hand him a tissue. Poor little boy.
Gee, he does all of the work? When? He's been w/twinkle twat quite a bit the last few months and I would think that you have been handling most of the work while he has been mia. Boy, what an ego!
Wendy, please take care of yourself. No matter how hard you are trying to be upbeat, I know it's getting to you a bit. Take long walks, get in your vehicle and go to the beach, visit friends or do something that makes you happy. This will help w/keeping your stress level down.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well, we ended up at Pier 1. She found a nice woven rug for under her bed. Sage green trim sisal middle. And a nice Papasan Chair with a solid red cushion. Her new room has a nice water view looking down on Pearl Harbor. We are still on "The Perfect Headboard" hunt!
My friend found out she doesn't have to have chemo. Best news ever!
I actually feel I need to be making some more decisions. Not that I actually have to do things, but that I need to have a plan, in case the house does sell quickly. Because my H has every intention to put it on the market ASAP.
I was pricing condos here in my town. There are some affordable ones out there. It would be downsizing, but I could keep the essentials and get rid of or store the rest.
Having a plan doesn't mean giving up on H, just trying to make a new better life for me. I'm leaving room in my plans for him to catch up. But I'm looking hard at his actions and not seeing anything but determination in his current course. So I need to see a future for me, where I can be happy.
I've been looking hard into myself and my part of the debacle that is my life right now. And I can't change the past, but know lots more now about people and how I interact with them. I am changing myself a lot.
But find it very funny how often I tell myself "Not my problem".
My sister found it amusing how he spent over an hour vacuuming the master bedroom. She said: "Good. Then in a week he can see how fast dog hair re accumulates." And his hair all over the bathroom floor. I'm no longer sleeping up there and haven't used that shower since October. I already showed him how to clean the shower, since he had an impressive red mold project growing on the marble walls........
I've been pretty miserable this past year. Enough is enough. I can keep his food stocked, but I don't have to be here to eat it with him! He has a huge fear of being alone. I don't.
My efforts to go dark are hard. My H [censored] me back in so easily. So I am just trying to be away as much as possible. I have a backup plan to be busy sorting out the pile of donation stuff in the evenings, instead of sitting and watching TV.
Off to got some work done! (Quilting work for now!)
Aloha, Wendy
Me 57 XH 58 Sons age 32 & 27 M:32 D final 9/12 Bought 10 Acres and Living the Dream!
Wendy, I'm glad you went w/your friend to do some bedroom shopping. I'm sure her room will look beautiful once she's found the headboard, etc. That's wonderful news if she doesn't require chemo.
Yes, you have put up w/alot this past year. Once you make up your mind about doing things for yourself and turning the focus back on to you, I think you'll begin to feel better. It's always nice to have some plans ready to be put into place.
As for your h being alone, none of them can be alone for very long. Your h has a lot of work to do....
Take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Heads up - one reason NOT to sell the house right away:
What happened to me was, H was in a real hurry to buy the duplex he was renting. Since I knew I couldn't afford to keep the house anyway, I consented to sell it not long after he filed for divorce. It sold quickly. Our divorce ended up taking almost two years to finalize (partly because of negotiating issues, partly because it's a darned lot of paperwork and neither of us were super timely on doing it. And we had a relatively civil mediated divorce).
BUT - I didn't get to buy a new house for two years because no one would qualify me for a mortgage loan until my divorce was final.
I was lucky that the housing market stayed down that whole time, otherwise I would have gotten hosed.
Unless you anticipate enough profit from the sale of the home to buy a condo outright without borrowing, I recommend NOT agreeing to sell the house until you are divorced. Otherwise, you might be stuck - house sold, not finalized divorce yet, and housing prices picking back up and pricing you out.
Wendy, Kml is telling you the truth and her information is spot on. I know that you are trying to figure things out, but weigh everything before you do it. Please do not make any decisions while you are upset or angry...you have to have a good, clear head when making decisions such as this.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You have the right frame of mind and I know you are moving forward. You don’t need to give up hope that you and your H may R down the road. Hope for the best but plan on the worst. I even think some day there could be a chance in that happening even in my mess. The push pull crap is for the birds. When they try and s.u.c.k. us back in we need to remember to unplug the vacuum! They want us to sit around and be miserable about our life. When we actually show them that nothing can bring us down that really makes them think about things. None of us need to be controlled by someone and when they treat us poorly, we need to let them go on this crazy journey. We can control which direction we go in life and I like that I know I am the one making my choices.
As far as them being alone they will settle for anything searching for happiness. Then after the new wears off they have to blame that person for the way they feel. They just don’t have that figured out in life. That is why I think we are so much more advanced in this process. We are actually doing the work to make our journey turn out how we like. They are grasping at straws and clinging to thoughts of the fairy tale life. They keep fighting these demons and can’t figure out why they are not getting exactly what they are looking for in life. If they would only look within things would come together.
You know I think about these things full circle and I don’t know all the answers. I do know that I feel so much better about the direction my life is headed, that all the bullshirt kind of slides off like water on a ducks back. After going through this stuff I want everyone to feel the exact same way I do now. I hated being the guy that hurt so much inside. I hated being the guy that tried to fake being happy for so long. We all deserve to be happy and the funny thing we know it comes from within. They still think it’s because they have been missing out in life. The truth be told they didn’t miss out in life they let life get the best of them. They have the need to run because that’s what they have done with everything in life. I see that so much clearer in people now that it’s kind of strange. All these traits were formed during their childhood, they may all be a little different but that’s the way they have dealt with everything in life. I see this so much clearer in my ex.
Keep on keeping on Wendy, I think you are doing a terrific job! I may not be a great cheerleader I just want everyone to feel the same way I do now. I said something to another poster and I want you to think about it for a while. We as humans usually want what we can’t have. I think that plays a big part in why this is so hard at first.
Remember keep the focus off the twinkle twat/crinkle crotches or whatever you want to call them. Place that anger where it belongs. I did love those names, I just always think we have no clue what they were told in the beginning. They just don’t deserve an ounce of focus and me being a betting man would say they heard more lying than any of us. Morales are running very low in people that get involved with someone that is married.
I also agree with kml, and snodderly talk to an attorney before you do anything. Protect the most important one in this, YOU!
Take care.
Me 44 W 38 M 18 D 18 D 13 Bomb 10/21/2010 Divorced 7/19/2011 Just getting to the 7th inning!
