I'm so confused. I have lately felt more loving feelings towards H but stop myself acting on them because of all the pain I feel still. I still think he is lying and had a PA as suggested in his letter and my problem is really that I feel that if he admitted it I could deal with it better and perhaps allow myself to be in love with him and be loved by him, but while ever I continue to think he has but not know for sure and think he's lying I don't think I can get past it and don't think I can stay with him. I have no friends, my family don't want to know as it's "our business" and I just don't know what to do. I think I want to be with him but not if he's lying - there's no way to know if he's lying and it is killing me, little by little, every day, my heart breaks all over again. Is it really possible to get back to a normal loving relationship again with doubt in your head or do they have to come clean/prove the truth for it to work??
IP, As you can see, I was here a LONG time ago. I don't even know what happened to my posts. Search says they are in success stories, but I can't find them! I still lurk, but rarely post. But, your post really resonated with me, as I went through the exact same thing. All sitches are different, but I can a least share what happened during the last 10 years of mine.
Got the LYBNILWY, I've never been happy, and I'm done speech in November 2001. Wallowed in it for several months and did ALL the DB no no's which just pushed him further away, then found this site in 2002. Got the books, and DB'd my behind off. Like many others, the minute that I learned how to detach and let go, H got scared and came running back.
That's the irony isn't it? As soon as we learn to let go, and stop the roller coaster, as soon as that pain in your gut finally quiets, and you can start eating and sleeping again, THAT'S when they get nervous and start noticing the changes we have made,LOL.
H never would admit his PA. He DID admit to an EA with a co-worker. I KNEW there was more to it, but he swore up and down that "nothing ever happened." Like you, I also had contact with the OW, who also said there was no PA. When H decided he wanted to end the A and save our M, he was "an open book." I was given the OK to ask any and every question, any time I felt the need. And boy did I. I needed to know every gory detail. I felt like I HAD too, in order to forgive and move on. This was in late 2002.
The problem was, that although he was being completely forthcoming (supposedly), and we were back to a loving marriage, I just could not shake the feeling that he was lying. This ate at me until 2005, when the built up anger and resentment got the best of me, and I asked him to leave. We were separated until the end of 2006.
Ultimately, I asked him to come back because the separation was just so hard on our S, who was 6 at the time. We were trading him back and forth across 3 states, and when he was with me, he missed his dad so much. When he was with H, he cried for me every night. It was destroying us. I realized that my inability to let go and forgive was hurting my son, hurting all of us. I still loved my H, but I also hated him for hurting me, and by gosh, I would NOT forgive him until he admitted the truth! BUT, finally I had to decide what was more important in the grand scheme of things. My hurt feelings and self-righteous indignation, or my sons needs. In the end, I realized that I owed it to my S to put my hurt and anger aside, and mostly my PRIDE, so that he could be with both of his parents.
So, he came home in 2006, and we are about to celebrate our 21st anniversary.
The irony here, is that after FINALLY letting go, I started having some medical issues in early 2011. I started having breakouts "down there" (so sorry guys!!!!) and just KNEW that sorry "I can't say it because it will just be censored" gave me herpes. I told H what was going on, and said "Look, I need to know once and for all, did you sleep with her? Because we BOTH know that she is a skank, and I think you have given me herpes. I know it's been 10 years, but herpes can be dormant for up to 20 years! Feelings be damned, this is my LIFE and health we are talking about now, so TELL THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!! And he did.
H totally freaked out. The guilt that he might have given me the gift that keeps on giving, was too much for him to bear. He FINALLY, after 10 years, a 1 year separation, and swearing over and over and over, EVEN WHEN THINGS WERE 200% BETTER, that he had NEVER had a PA, admitted that he did indeed sleep with her once. You want to know what I felt after FINALLY hearing the truth? The truth, that I really already knew in my heart? Nothing.
It just didn't matter anymore. Like you, I also thought that I could never honestly move on until I heard the truth out of him. But in the end, I realized that once I made up my mind to forgive him, and that didn't matter if it was an EA or PA, it was NOT going to be a deal breaker in our marriage, the truth just didn't matter. It has made absolutely no difference in how I feel. I asked why he lied for 10 years. I said "I decided to forgive you in 2006, regardless of what might have really happened, so why didn't you just admit it then?" H said it was mainly his fear of how I might react. That I would throw him out. But most of all, he was just too ashamed to admit the truth. Admitting the PA would make it too real what H really was. It would prove that H was a horrible rotten person, and a lousy father. (his words, not mine).
For the record, it turned out that I had massive diabetes! When I was admitted, my blood sugar was 747, and my H1c was 15.3! (Normal is 90-120, and normal H1c is 6). Apparently it had been so high for so long, that by the time I was diagnosed, I already had nerve damage in my feet....still do. Not a nice feeling! The problems "down there" were a side effect of the high blood sugar! Who knew! LOL..
To wrap this up, I guess what I am trying to say, is once you make that decision to love him and be loved by him, it really does not matter if you know the truth. Although you don't realize it now, by making that decision, you have already "dropped the rope and let go". Accept that for whatever reason, even if it DID happen, maybe he just can't bring himself to admit the truth, and like my H, it may be all about HIM and his fears, and no reflection on you whatsoever.
Don't get me wrong. If I allow myself to think about it, it still hurts. But I'm only human, right? I will probably never be able to FORGET that he cheated. But I have forgiven him. But I did that BEFORE I knew "the truth". So you can say I've been on both sides of the fence. I know how it feels to forgive and move on without knowing the truth, and I know how it feels knowing the truth. And if you really love H, and you can forgive him, it does not matter either way.
