Stuck in a mess

[Dory]

Hello all. This is my first post. I'll apologize in advance if it gets too lengthy...

I'm really hoping for some guidance from some experienced DB'ers. I found this forum about a week or so after my H dropped the bomb and we seperated on 11/29/2011 (yep, happened on the same day). I have been lurking here ever since. I've learned so much from reading everyone's situations and find the advice here so valueable. I've read DB and am familiar with the SBT principles and have been trying to apply the techniques to the best of my ability. I am familiar and have memorized the 37 rules and for the most part, have been able to adhere to them. I've also read Gary Chapman's 5 love languages and John Gottman's 7 principles for making marriage work. All this was after he left. I wish I had read them before all this happened.

A bit of background info:

We've been married for 16 years, together for 17. We have a beautiful D12 and a SS21 from my H's first marriage. I am 36, H is 41. For the most part, we've had a stable and happy marriage. Unfortunately, the past few years have literally been crisis upon crisis and it has taken it's toll.

Initially it started with the economic downturn. My H is in senior management for an American corporation and for what was an already high stress job, became incredibly stressful. Eventually his health became compromised and he survived a life threatening pulmonary embolism in Nov/09. It rattled us both significantly. Very scary.

In Jan./2010 we learned that my stepson was drug addicted.

In March 2010 my H had made the choice to strictly limit his relationship with his son until he sobered up (a descision which I supported). SS21 continues on a path of self-destruction.

In April 2010 my H injured his leg (snapped his achilles tendon), which wouldn't have been too big of a deal except for that surgery to repair it wasn't an option due to his being on blood thinners as a result of his embolism. Two weeks later H developed compartment syndrome (a serious complication from the injury) which involved a two week hospital stay and three surgeries to save his leg from amputation, then 4 months of being immobile due to having his leg casted, followed by almost a year of physical therapy.

During this period of time, it became obvious that H was having difficulties coping with so many life adjustments in such a small time frame (how could he not?). He began having anxiety attacks, severe mood swings, and withdrawing from everybody, which I admit, I could've responded better to.

In Jan/2011 I convinced him to go to our GP and seek a referral to a psychiatrist. Our GP would not refer him to a psychiatrist, but rather gave him an Rx for antianxiety meds and sent him to a psychologist, who he saw for maybe 4-5 sessions and then stopped going.

In April/2011, I got a phonecall in the middle of the day from H's assistant, saying there was something wrong with H and he was bringing him home. When H got home, it was obvious that H was having some sort of mental breakdown, he was paranoid and delusional - if not psychotic, he was clearly well on his way. I took him to the ER and they admitted him to the psych unit for 2 weeks. He is now still under the care of a psychiatrist.

His Dx is major depressive disorder, although I am more inclined to suspect bipolar II after doing some research. I've described some of his past behaviours to our GP and my therapist, who also agree that it sounds more like bipolar than depression. I do not believe H has been entirely forthcoming to his psychiatrist. Although H is no longer in a state of psychosis (thanks to antipsychotic drugs), his moods have yet to be stabilized despite trying numerous antidepressants.

I should also mention that I myself have unipolar depression. For the most part in the past, I have been able to manage it & keep it under control with antidepressants and CBT. With the exception of my current depressive episode, my last episode was approximately 3 years ago & lasted about 5 or 6 months from onset to remission (this was before my H's PE).

Wow...after seeing all this written down...geez, what a gong show! You just can't make this stuff up!

In the months following my H's mental breakdown, I had made the assumption that his withdrawing, bad moods, angry outbursts, couch potato-ness, etc. were all attributed to his depression. I'm familiar with depression, I know what it does, I've lived it many times and assumed that once he was stabilized, life and our R would return back to normal. Despite my efforts to get him to talk to me about what was going on with him, I was met with stonewalling. Every. Single. Time. Eventually I decided to just leave him be and that in time he would work it out for himself.

During the weeks leading up to the bomb and seperation I could sense that something was going on with H and feared that he was becoming mentally unstable again. I tried talking to him about it and was met with more stonewalling. His ideas became somewhat grandiose. Four days before the bomb, he told me he wanted to quit his job and open up a salon, an industry which he knows nothing about - because he figured that owning his own business would alleviate some of his work related stress (I've given up on trying to understand the logic of that). I simply asked him not to make any life altering descisions until his mental health issues were stabilized. He agreed. Two days before the bomb, he did not come home for dinner (a first in 17 years). When he did come home at 11:00 that night, I learned that he had spent the evening getting a new tattoo, which was news to me that it was even something he was considering. The day that he dropped the bomb, he refused to even attempt MC and left within the hour to go live with his parents. There was no fight or arguement that preceded this, nothing. I did get the IDLY and never have as well as the "it's not you, it's me" speil. That day I also learned (as per H) that the psychologist H has seen for a few sessions earlier in the year had been the one to terminate therapy, telling him that she didn't know how she could help him, but gave him the business card to a L and advised him to seek a D.

I literally felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. Did not see this coming in any way, shape or form.

So needless to say, my H's mental health issues definitely complicate matters.

Predictably, my current depressive episode is making it difficult to sustain my GAL activities. I am in the middle of adjusting my meds, hopeful that my motivation and energy will improve. For anyone who's unfamiliar, it's a very slow process of trial and error, gradually increasing doseages (to avoid major side effects) then waiting to see if the drug works. If it works, great. If not, it's a matter of slowly weaning off the drug (to prevent withdrawal symptoms) and trying again with an alternative drug. Lather, rinse, repeat...

I've been doing my best to act as if & doing 180's and they seem to be working. Since our separation, H has gone from being completely hostile towards me to being friendly and respectful, even behaving in ways that shows he still cares.

^^^^I am however, cautious about this and a little uneasy about the timing of this. I'm suspicious that this may have something to do with my inlaws having gone south for the winter. During the past few years I have become my mother-in-law's chosen scapegoat and suspect that H may be drinking her koolaid. So I am cautious but optimistic.

On a very positive note, I took the risk of going against one of the 37 rules this past weekend and gave H a package of wine gums (one of his LLs is gifts and wine gums are his favourite candy). It's been a very long time since I've seen his face light up like that.

Baby steps...