Keeping the Kid(s) Out of This

[PrincessP]

My H walked out early this year, saying he could not take my mean and nasty attitude, and the sexless marriage.

We have been together since our second year of college, all total 19 years (9 married.) The relationship started out like any other: giving each other undivided attention, full of passion, daily sex, no responsibilities, etc. As time went on and he pursued a professional degree our relationship took a back seat to his studying and the start of my career. There was also a period of 5 years when did not live together because of our academic and professional commitments. Despite this physical separation he proposed marriage to me. As our career opportunities landed us back together in the same place, we moved back in together. About a year later we were married. He was intensely busy going through training/working – he is a physician. Again, our life together was secondary to having training/work obligations. I felt ignored but never realized how much it impacted my desire to be intimate with him. He was working more than 120+ a week and I had a normal schedule, so I had to find a life for myself. I made friends, visited my family often (100 miles away) on weekends, ran errands – I had to keep myself occupied. Being the spouse of a training physician is not easy and feels very isolating.

Right before the training was over, we had a child. The birth was traumatic for me (suffering an injury) and even spent additional time in the hospital healing. With the injury, the overwhelming experience of motherhood, and a colicky baby, I developed post-partum. I was beyond frustrated and my husband became an easy outlet for releasing the pent-up feelings. I got angry about everything. I was doing everything still (being career woman, homemaker, running the finances) and now felt like a single mom. He suggested therapy/counseling to address the issues as they were impacting my ability to have a healthy and productive relationship with our child.

Rather than seeing my post-partum as an illness he took everything as personal affront to him and our child. Not once did he say to me “I feel really bad that you are so stressed, trying to heal, and be everything to everyone and you feel like you are getting the short end of the stick.” Instead within a few months of me starting therapy, and understanding what happening, and really working on mending the parent-child relationship he started an affair. I guess he felt I was too preoccupied or I started a little too late to give our relationship a chance.

I don’t understand why he stuck with me for 10 years before marriage, stayed another 6 years through marriage, had a child with me, finished training and bought a dream house with me to only three short months later throw in the towel. He says that he is angry, and I am incapable of change and there is no reason good enough for him to forgive me or try any more.

My 180s are about working on myself to be a more even-tempered, sensitive person. I am trying to show myself, and others that I am a beautiful woman that has desires and can be desired; I am dressing more like more my old self in tasteful but flirty clothing, doing my hair…just overall appearance adjustment. I am spending more time being there for my kid. I hope he notices at some point but he may not and that is why I started another thread titled “Time Is Not Always in Your Favor.”