I pray he does not follow through with the wedding for my kids sake. He has been awful quiet as of late.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006
Trusting. Not being mean. These are events from more than half a decade ago. For your own well-being, you need to go forward. It's hard and, if the marriage goes forward, may sting, but, life is out there.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You are correct. I do need to go forward. I will always have a small degree of hope that ex will see the light, but I don't expect it. My journey has been long, like many, and I have made steps to continue it without ex. You are not being mean, just realistic.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
We do need to let go and move forward, but for many of us this relationship was our first major one, and it lasted well over a quarter of a century and more than half our lives.
This takes a LOT of healing from. And I don't think we can force it. I had an illuminating lunch recently with a woman in her forties, and she said she realised she fell for passive agressive men [and we worked out why!] and at 40+ she thought 'enough' and is now in a very different sort of relationship.
However it took her two marriages + another long relationship to get that the person she needed to work on was her, and why she fell for PA men
She didn't dump on these men, or have a MLC, but said it is very easy to move on to another relationship without fixing ourselves.
Although we didn't break the MLCers, it isn't an entire coincidence that we ended up with who we did. I think the period of time of grieving, and learning to understand ourselves is crucial. Some people 'get it' sooner, so I am not criticising those who start dating earlier than others. But we certainly all need to take a long hard look at why we went for these damaged people, even if they loved us for a long time before they went crazy.
I think it is important to try to understand the R and as has been pointed out, some of us had Rs that were more than half our lives.
I still have moments where I miss X. I also have times when I am very glad that he is gone. A lot of the time I am just not thinking about him very much any more.
When I started this journey I felt certain he would return. I guess the question of Why? is one that is hard to cope with. I realized that I don't necessarily want an answer to that question. But I do still think about apologies, some recognition of my situation. Trusting got an apology, which can help with healing but can also spur some hope or a sense of possibility that may not be there.
And with MLC, I think it's particularly difficult, because a R that we might have found fulfilling for a long time disintegrates so quickly.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
Such a good point Beatrice. I had certain signs earlier in my relationship with ex that I discarded as quirks. I won't make the same mistake twice. We all heal at our own pace, unfortunately it has taken me a long time.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Hope you are doing well. I did get an apology. I thought that he was on the road of healing, but it does not seem to be the case. I agree with you, sometimes I miss my ex, other times not. Focusing on positive thoughts instead of the what ifs has helped me.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
I also got an apology, over two years ago, and thought my xh might be coming out of MLC, at last, but he went back to being full blown MLC and if possible even meaner, very quickly. Some of them have moments of clarity.
Did the apology make me feel better? initially yes, but since it wasn't backed up by actions, in some ways it made me feel worse, as I realised that it is actions not words that count.
That is interesting. It seems our situations are quite similar. I have not seen my ex since January and when I did see him he seems to want confirmation that I still have feelings for him. In the past, when I give him that, he just seems to cling more to OW. I now just act neutral but kind. Tomorrow I will see him at parent teacher conference. It should be intersting, or not.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
Trusting, In other words, he is very much like a child ensuring that "mom" hasn't gone far and that mom's apron string is still there to latch on to if he should fall. I wonder what he would do if the apron string was pulled completely away?
Yes, your meeting tomorrow shall prove to be very interesting.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
