WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Finally exercised again this morning... first time in almost two months, man it felt good. Got to bed later than planned last night due to convo with W. Woke up this morning and said, screw it, I'll just go to work early, I'll exercise tomorrow. And then that just seemed sad and depressing so I decided to go back to sleep... and then I thought if I do this today (a day without my S or kids in the house) I will do this every day I'm alone. So I forced my butt out of bed, put on my workout clothes and went for a two mile run. Not JB-level workout, but a good step in the right direction.

Had all the kids last night. It's still melancholy for me. The house is so alive and vibrant when they're all there. I started a new effort... asking each of them "What did you do today to make the world a better place?" It was neat to hear their answers. I got the idea after meeting Mark Schriever (son of Sargent Schriever) this past week in DC. I asked him how his dad, who was such a force for good in American life, also managed to create five amazing kids. He said every day his dad would ask him what he did today to make the world a better place, and he would expect an answer. I thought it was great so I'm trying it out.

W got home and we talked some. First time I'd seen her in a week. She is looking pretty harried and tired, then again she had worked 60 hours in five days. We figured out S's birthday plans and discussed some financial stuff. Then the topic turned to how things are going. She told me she worries about me. I told her not to, things are good. I told her I worry about her and asked if she was ok. She said she's really depressed and not eating. Said that she woke up the other morning and "felt too thin" and got scared. She has a history of anorexia so I'm worried for her, but nothing I can really do.

We discussed her court date this week with XH. She wants to ask the judge to nix the new arrangement and have SS and SD with her all week during the school year (as it has been for the past 8 years). I just listened and validated. At one point she asked me what I thought she should do. I told her she should listen to herself. She's their mother and knows what's best for kids.

I will admit it was damn hard to listen to her rail on how selfish and self-centered her XH is. How this is all about him and his needs. How he doesn't really worry about the kids or how all this will effect them. It was so hard to not make a comment or throw it back in her face. The lack of self-awareness is remarkable. She again asked my thoughts and I replied that I've learned it's best to keep it about the kids and their needs.

At one point she mentioned that her friend (who she either has or had feelings for) is coming to stay, with his son, at her place this weekend. She's farmed SD and S out to her mom and SS will be with me learning cold weather survival skills. Her friends have a music festival and this one friend is coming up for that. She was very adamant in telling me he is sleeping on the pull-out couch with his son. Umm... ok. You're a grown woman living on your own, do what you will. I won't deny that it hurt a little to hear, but it really is her life now.

The convos ended with her inviting me to go shopping with her on Wednesday to buy presents for S's birthday. I said yes. Seemed like a low-impact sort of thing.

Only cried a little bit when I left the house and headed to my place. Only cried a little when I got home. A lot less than the last time I did that routine.

I still miss SD and SS a lot. Once or twice a week suxx. Looking forward to hanging out with SS all weekend, even if we will be camping out in the snow

Tonight is Parent-Teacher conference for S. We are both attending together, and then I'm taking SS, SD, and S out for ice cream while W goes to SS's conference (with her XH).