((CV)) don't give up on us. I know how this feels. It's overwhelming for me to grasp all this information and I'm speaking strictly from my personal stitch.

You are correct in saying that forgiveness doesn't make the R right. The act of forgiving didn't fix it. For me, I had to do it before I could proceed in a MR with my H. It was a cleansing for me. And, since I had so many years of bad feelings collected in my mind & heart, there would have been no use in attempting R without my "cleansing". I had tried that too many times before, or thought I had. Truth was, I had not gone deep enough to get that bottom layer of grime from the very first year of m. There was no way I could operate or heal effectively without washing it out.

So, what steps did I take, or what did I do afterward? Well, at first, I did several things that's on that list of 180's that gets passed to newcomers a lot... smile Yes, I wrote it from the VP of the WAS, but there were still a lot of those 180's I applied myself. I hope that doesn't confuse anyone. I was a healing WAW. I was like CV and didn't know exactly what came next! Where were the steps?

Just b/c I was able to finally forgive my H, and I got all that bitterness out, I did not immediately have a waterfall of loving feelings come blasting into my heart. It would have been nice, but it didn't happen for me. I had to still have some space (used it mostly on the DB board), and I had to have time to get stronger. That healing process is not for the LBS only. I think he was not ready for me to fall all over him. He needed some time to deal with his side of the pain and heal also. Some couples may feel they have to be glued to each others hip to heal, but my H and I aren't that way. It came in stages or steps, as we were able to move forward, and as we moved forward the " Y " in the road eventually became one lane again.

I started to make a conscious effort to show respect to him. In the past, I felt he didn't deserve my respect b/c he didn't live up to my expectations. It was a big problem. I learned from people here and I began to open my eyes and heart and see all the areas I could respect him. It was a starting point.

I took a conscious effort to speak with a nice tone of voice (a respectful way) when speaking to him. I made an effort to not make facial expressions that spoke a different language from my words. (That always bothered him a lot.)

I made a conscious effort to see the good in him and the things he does. I made an effort to remember why I fell in love with him (thanks to this board).

Little steps at a time went on for a long time and ever so slowly my feelings for him began to change.

Whoa......I just looked at the clock and I'm late for work. Got to run!

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!