I think you have a better attitude than I did when my h dropped his bomb. I was clinging, and he was breaking away. He reverted back to the 90's, when he was a teen. Wanted his own place, wanted to go join and tour with a band, didn't want to answer to no one. Wanted to sit and write music all day long and stop working. He took up smoking, and started to dress more youthful again.
I definitely clung, and he was ready to go. I db-ed my marriage, and saved it by starting to engage fully in GAL activities and by not clinging anymore. I stopped being there all the time. Started making my own plans, and acted as if. Many days I was really torn up inside and a huge mess, but I kept acting as if I was going to go on without him and that one way or the other, I was going to be fine.
He would come home from work and I'd be singing and cooking dinner, smiling. Then an hour later he would throw a tantrum about how he needed his freedom. I'd just smile and say "Do what you feel is right for you". Then I'd go and get dressed, get my daughter and head off for an evening of shopping with a friend.
I continued to live as if, he were not going to be there.
He said a lot of crazy things to me. It was hard not to defend myself or fight back some times. But what I did was simply validate what he said. By listening, nodding, and commenting calmly. I'm telling you this is so hard to do.
What I think finally woke him up was his realizing that I was going to go on with my life without him there, and then he started to think twice about that (he told me this later on) and did not want to see his life without me and our daughter.
He wanted to see if the grass was greener, and as terrified as I was of this happening, I had to finally say ....OK go see how green it is. And man did that hurt.
My H did not leave our home....he ended up staying and we are really getting close again. But it took him wanting our M too, to make this happen.
They will say crazy things. I'm not exaggerating here.... one hour he'd say "I love you" then the next hour, want nothing to do with me. At work he'd write an email saying "Love you... " then at night he would not even so much as speak with me or be near me.
For me, I felt it was important to listen to him and validate his feelings, and I listened to carefully to his complaints about me or our M. I did set out to make some changes, but I did not change my entire self.
My h was very confused, and was in crisis. He has told me that when he was going through what he was going through..... he felt like a volcano of emotions that were spewing out of control. He also felt very scared, and did not understand why and what was going on within him. He was in a lot of pain, he wanted things to change in our M. He wanted to feel young again, and productive. Wanted to make some dreams come true that he had not finished in his youth.
As mean as my H could be to me, and as terrified as I was feeling inside, he was also feeling just as terrified, but during that time I would have never known how afraid he felt.
