Not too much to report. I've been dark on my wife since December. We only speak in regards to the D which I will mostly likely sign the papers when we do our taxes together.
Intellectually I am ready to let go of my m. My heart struggles to catch up with my head. It creates scenarios and creates feelings that if I am able to step back... I can say "that makes no sense"... but in the moment I perceive very differently.
It's been almost a year and I still struggle with the fact that my w doesn't really want anything to do with me...
I believe that love is a choice and the fact that my w chooses something different... hurts like hell.
I believe out of this whole process, this is my deepest wound and the one that will take the longest to heal.
And the pain still creates emotions that sometimes makes me want to stop being dark. To go back to small talk when we speak and bail her out of things. To try and rescue and fix her negative feelings about me... as if I had anything to do with how she created them in the first place.
But small talk doesn't equal her wanting a relationship with me.
And her guilting me or giving me opportunity to rescue her... doesn't mean I should.
Of course it's not like we talk frequently.. but these things tend to happen almost every time we talk....
.... so I remain dark.
I know dark IS healthier for me. It stops me from doing all of that. It allows me to feel what I feel and even if I don't agree or completely accept what she feels, she can still feel them w/o anything from me.
My last post talked in response to 25 questions talk about living in fear alot with my w. This fear has been built up over years of our toxic relationship....
....I am at the point of recognizing it....but it's still difficult to not let it consume me..... even harder to not let it influence my decisions.
...so for this reason I remain dark.
In some ways, going dark has been one of the hardest things I've had to do for myself. I also believe it may be one of the most loving.
Outside of my w, I am doing really well. My career continues to progress. My relationship with friends and family continue to get stronger.
I continue to get stronger.
I believe these good things come greatly in part because I have made DB a way of life.
It was recommended that I practice DBing on my friends and family.. so I did.. now I extend it to co-workers and even people I don't really know.
and it's been pretty amazing. My latest experience included my last feature in which I worked with a girl who after our first day together called me "aggressive".
I didn't necessarily agree as my job requires me to be somewhat of a hardass.. but it didn't matter.
Those were her feelings and I was sad she felt threatened. I was sad she felt that way about me.
I could have said "You're wrong" or ignored and just kept going. After all I didn't agree, so If I know I'm not agressive... what does it matter?
But then again....
I really want people to enjoy working with me. I really enjoy building new relationships with crew members.
I really wanted to have a good time on the show and she deserved the same.. and that couldn't happen if I was doing the status quo.
So I spent two wks acknowledging all her feelings. Things that she felt was agressive.. I didn't do...
...and after it she came up to me at the wrap party and gave me a huge kiss on the cheek and said.. "I'd really like to work with you again".
So I got exactly what I wanted and fulfilled her needs by DBing!
There are so many selfish ways I could have gone with that sitch....
...but I'm learning that the more you give.. the more you receive.
If you want to be loved.. show love.
If you want good things to happen... do good things.
It seems easy but it's sooo hard because we, as human beings, tend to be very selfish...
...but I'm learning that I am getting exactly what I want in life.. because I am giving it first.
I don't think I would have learned that without DB. I don't think I would have learned it (at least not any time soon) without my S.....
...and in that way.. I am very thankful.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
