I agree with the sentiment too. I think it's a real truism. I think it's applicable in a lot more situations than just one where someone has been seeing someone else for 3 weeks. I don't know any details of Mish's situation, and if I hurt your feelings Mish...I apologize. Knowing what I know NOW...I just can't relate to the sentiment of "I want to be with you, I just don't want to commit...and never will". Especially in a situation involving a spouse of 20 years and a child. That's all. I wish true happiness for you Mish...you certainly deserve it.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Ok. Convoy done. I asked him if he is here because he wants to be or because he has no other choice. He, of course, says he wants to be. I'm fairly certain he is being truthful. I did tell him that I'm on edge and concerned that I'm going to drive him away again and asked him to please give me fair warning if he is unhappy.
The other thing I asked him was what I am to him. He doesn't have an answer to that. He says 'we are fine'. That there doesn't need to be a label. That's true, but it still makes it hard to understand if I mean anything more to him than being a bed partner.
The other thing that came out in this discussion was that he has no intentions of ever taking our R any further. No commitments, no regrets. He said if I want more than that, he can't give it and to let him know if I want him out.
Now my job is to figure out if I can live with that the rest of my life.
In short......I'm still totally confused and living on the edge of disaster.
Great.
OK, first things first. Way to go Mish! You stood up and asked the questions you needed to ask. I'm proud of you! Second, men really s@ck at the "R talk" and not having an answer to a question you've had virtually minutes to process is IMHO not unusual. Men are often thinking that the R talk means they are in trouble so our minds are clicking thinking "how do I get out of this mess" We're thinking survival, not really honestly thinking through the sitch. Men need time to process and respond otherwise you get stuff that reflects the thought of a few nano seconds versus real honest to goodness thought out answers. Anyway lastly, do any of us ever know from one day to the next what the other is going to do? We all thought we had "commitment" and look how it turned out for most of us here! So, he's there and that's where he wants to be. He's not saying he's here till something better comes along, he's here! Now, I'm also not saying that should be enough for you either but it's a different perspective on "the talk". Only you know what is enough and what you can live with, not me!
It's not marriage that I'm looking for, only a commitment to our R for the foreseeable future. I don't expect him to make this legal, just to be open and honest with me with his feelings so I can have some clarity.
Yes, part of it is my own feelings of inadequacy and little worth. I need to know that he is invested in working on our R. That really isn't much to ask of someone you've been with for 2 years is it? Am I asking too much because he's left so many times before? Is that the real problem? I shouldn't have any hope of commitment from someone who has done that?
Who knows where this will go, if anywhere. I just asked him that if he finds himself unhappy or feeling neglected that he give me fair warning. I don't want to be blindsided again without any notice that I've been screwing up.
M would be an extreme long term goal but not something I really need.
I look at it this way, if I had been dating someone for 2 years I would expect them to be open about their feelings toward our R. How is this any different?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
Second....did you tell him that you aren't looking for M, just something more defined and committed, or is it possible he thinks you are looking to make it legal again? Because if that's the case, I don't think you two are on such different pages as it might have sounded.
Third, WII hit it right on.
Originally Posted By: whatisis
Second, men really s@ck at the "R talk" and not having an answer to a question you've had virtually minutes to process is IMHO not unusual. Men are often thinking that the R talk means they are in trouble so our minds are clicking thinking "how do I get out of this mess" We're thinking survival, not really honestly thinking through the sitch. Men need time to process and respond otherwise you get stuff that reflects the thought of a few nano seconds versus real honest to goodness thought out answers. Anyway lastly, do any of us ever know from one day to the next what the other is going to do? We all thought we had "commitment" and look how it turned out for most of us here! So, he's there and that's where he wants to be. He's not saying he's here till something better comes along, he's here!
You may see changes with him over the next few days as he processes this convo even if he doesn't come back and talk to you about them.
And finally, GOOD JOB!!!!!!!
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I look at it this way, if I had been dating someone for 2 years I would expect them to be open about their feelings toward our R. How is this any different?
Uh,you're living with him that changes things a whole lot. When dating you're looking to impress the other person and guys may be more open to "feeling" talk then but, honestly, talking about feelings is more the female way of dealing with R, guys are more action oriented. He cooked you breakfast not too long ago, that's a male way of saying he cares. Men are more into doing than talking. So if he knows what things make you feel good, aside from talking about his feelings, he's more apt to do those things. My co-worker told me once about a R talk his wife initiated with him, after she spilled her guts about her deepest feelings re the R, she said "now it's your turn, what are you feeling right now" he replied "hungry". My response was "OMG, you didn't say that" and he replied "well, that's how I was feeling" yeah.... Anyway, just food for thought.
Yes, his actions show he cares. The problem I have with his actions is that he did all of those things too right until the day he walked out the door. I don't trust actions anymore than words now.
I'm just screwed aren't I?
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
