He wants a divorce, I don't

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Un,

it's not hopeless. But understand this: To reconcile, your h must believe that marriage to you can be better/different than before.

You will have to demonstrate this...

Seems to me your h has been pretty clear about how his needs were not being met for some time.

He felt burdened financially b/c you were not working, over quite some time, and that was very stressful on him. Then, while I suspect one of his love languages is physical touch, you withdrew that from him even though he told you he needed it badly. Why did you stop after 2 weeks?

Maintaining Your self esteem is your job, not his. Feeling bad about yourself b/c you are not contributing to the family income or any other reason, and then withdrawing sex too--

I have to ask what you were expecting him to do? I mean, were you sabatoging the marriage on some level?

Having a low self esteem isn't an excuse to let him down in your intimate life or to mistreat him. YES I understand it, but I think it was a huge mistake and I very much hope you have already started to change that.

We have been married for 11 years but together for almost 19. This is his second marriage, my first. Throughout the years, we've had much love. There have hardly been any fights but we've had some lack of communication here and there. Overall, I would say our marriage has been pretty good.

The last couple of years I've been unemployed. I was getting unemloyment income for most of that time but it has since run out. In that time I have been diligently looking for a job but keep getting shot down or not replied to at all. I've had a couple of temp jobs here and there but nothing permanent.

what type of work do you do? Is your h's income enough? Do you have kids? Does he want them?

And with the depression and frustration of not having a job, I have not been in any kind of intimate mood. I know that this has been hard on us but it's hard for me to feel good about myself, let alone be intimate.

can you see how HE feels? Unsupported financially AND intimately...


So a couple of months ago my husband finally confronts me about how he feels...that we haven't had sex and that I haven't gotten a job. So, wanting to keep my marriage on track, I give in to the sex part, even though I was not feeling very intimate. It lasted for about 2 weeks but then we got back into the sexless routine.


why did you stop the sex? And in a way, you are not bringing a lot to the table if you are not bringing in money to help with finances OR taking care of him at home. Can you see this?


I continue looking for work but am still unemployed. We are surviving off of his income and I know it's been hard but never knew that it would come to this.

So You need to get work and you need to show your h some affection. I don't know your field but my guess is that after 2 or 3 years of being unemployed, your h doesn't respect the effort.

Have you thought about moving to where the jobs are, like Texas? Just a thought. I don't see unemployment going on much more b/c it's unaffordable at this time. The depression has hit all of us.


The other day he confronts me again, we get into a huge argument and he says he wants to separate. So, I stayed at my mothers for a couple of days. I come back home, hoping we can discuss the problem only to find out he wants a divorce. I was floored. He tells me his mind is made up. He loves me but isn't IN love with me. He's tired of not being happy and wants out. I never knew or even imagined he was feeling this bad about our marriage. To me, he is my best friend, my heart, my soul. The person I can't live without.

But Un, do you see how HE could feel unloved? Unsupported? You need to be able to see his point of view or you won't change and you are all you control.


And yet he wants to live without me. I just don't get it. Can you please try to help me understand. I suggested counseling but he's done. This is killing me.

I was on another forum


if you stay on one thread it's a lot easier to follow your thread and get better advice, fyi.

and had The Divorce Remedy suggested to me. I read the whole thing in one day and have tried to apply what I've learned. I'm just so concerned that this is a last resort effort and feel like I don't have any time to get this resolved. I want our marriage to work. I love him with all of my heart. I'm hoping he will want it to work too...eventually. Because lord knows he doesn't want to now. :-(

What are your 180s? Remember, You have to counter his negative images of you with positive ones. If he thinks you are lazy and morose, be busy and upbeat.

Greatly expand your job search and parameters...including a possible move.

and when you see him you can flirt or touch him without overt pursuit. A touch on the hand or arm or pat on the back in thanks for things he does, etc, all will help.

Consistent changes + sufficient time = change he can believe in.

Show him that your marriage can be better b/c you are changing, but don't point out the changes or they'll look like tactics just to get him back. We want him to believe the changes are real
and they need to be.

When my dad was dying, my sex drive dropped. But I stillwanted the intimacy of making love even more then--the comfort of it-- so it did not decrease much in my marriage.(Not to mention that I know my h has needs only his wife can fulfill...)

You need to see that sex is not all about you being in the mood. It can be unifying, comforting, celebratory, or forgiving, and more...learn to see the value of sex even when you are not feeling like it.

It's not all about you feeling attractive either, your h was attracted to you. That has to be enough sometimes.



Be less predictable and more mysterious.