Yes, I have those set of triplets myself Jeannine, and they are quite annoying at best.
I have not been journaling too much because I think back in "91" when I had my breakdown I wrote so much I could have sent it to a publishing company to make into a book (maybe I will one day!)
Now I just come here to voice my pain and anger and it seems to get the job done as much as needed right now.
H is being very nice today and I am reciprocating but I'm also being somewhat aloof. This is definately a 180 for me as all I used to do was trip all over myself trying to make myself the object of his affection.
Of course this does not work for any of you that are trying your hardest and getting nowhere with your S. Not only does it not work, but it causes you to lose the neccesary focus on yourself that you need for personal growth.
It's taken me two yrs. of trial and error (mostly error) to come to this conclusion.
I know my emotions will not always be this stable. I'll have days when I will want to backslide, justifying it to myself that what I'm doing will somehow make us closer. (I won't give in Mattie-I promise!)
That my friends, is pure undulterated BULL.
The only thing that MAY make my husband truly want me again is coming towards him from a standpoint of strength.
This is day 3 of operation NO CONTACT.
Not only did I figure out I had to do this for myself, but I have been advised by the cre'me da la cre'me on this BB that precede me in their actions.
The advise I recieve from them is invaluble.
Every one of them have been where I am, and everyone of them had to do what I'm doing.
So....for all of you out there lurking. posting or not, take heed.
You MUST find a place of detachment. I have fought this theory from the get-go, thinking my sitchuation was somehow different and I would only alienate my H.
Wrong, wrong, dead wrong.
None of this is easy, but detaching yourself from rejection and indifference is far preferable to the pain I was perpetuating by the relentless pursuit of my H.
If you think you can't do it then you have not come to the end of your rope.
Hopefully you will not take as long as me to decide that this is a neccesary step to self survival and a chance for the survival of your M.
I'm already seeing that my H is respecting me more by not giving me those looks where they roll thier eyes and tilt their head back and make you feel like your the stupidest person on the face of the earth.
I'm taking the power away from him to hurt me over and over again when he proclaims his love for me just to repeatedly pull the rug out from under my feet by his lack of commitment and heartfelt caring.
I MUCH prefer ME being inthe driver's seat. By detaching I am.
You take away the opportunity for them to give you he old one-two by refusing to let your feelings be decided on how they treat you.
Everyone of us on here is worthy of love and respect.
Unfortunately our spouses are not always forthcoming with the above and it's up to us to do whatever is neccesary to take care of ourselves FIRST.
By doing that, we are in essence loving and respecting ourselves which is tenfold greater than anything we could ever recieve from another. Rachael
