Accuray You dont verbally complain, but physically and emotionally withdraw, and she senses it for what it is a complaint on her.
She also may not verbally say how dare you make me sad. Yet her actions show it.
Her what's wrong routine shows this. She accuses you of not accepting who she is, while at the same time glossing over the fact that who she is is not very loving. (or not loving enough for you).
She consistently provides the absolute bare minimums then gets shocked and hurt because your not happy. She then withdraws from you to "teach you a lesson".
She knows she can't or won't reciprocate love, so she shifts the argument to be about you not accepting her rather than her not returning the favor.
That makes you the bad guy, and her the victim looking to be loved for who they are.
She, feels entitled to get her needs met, while not responsible for yours.
Stay at 5.
Doing that is a sort of pseudo cognitive therapy. When she meets your needs, meet hers, when she doesn't, don't. Eventually she may realize that she gets her needs met when she meets yours.
Again don't be surprised if she seriously acts out while you cling to five. She may say and do some very nasty things in order to get you to break and go back to 10. Don't be surprised if she goes as far as seeking another EA or PA.
If she claims you drove her to it, then to me it's clear that it was in retaliation for not giving her 10.
If it gets that bad just remember she doesn't give you 10, but you don't act out because of it. So why should she?
Ok last thing, promise:
You said her "asking if everything was ok" was a routine. To me this says she has a script she can rely on to get her way. (whether done conciously or subconciously).
If I remember right you usually either reassure her you are ok, or you tell her the truth to which she then "gets sad about" (IMHO a blatant attempt at guilting you).
Whether my analysis is wrong or right just consider this. If she does a set of actions often enough that you see it as routine then she has to be getting something out of it. Otherwise why would she do it again and again.
