Specifics, please! Can't afford telephone consult!

[ptcr]

Saw therapist today. This is her spin since she knows him and "treated" him during the fall after the first bomb. She said there are 2 types of walkers...the first is under a veil of depression/MLC and the second has a personality disorder. She claims that my H is the first and that I do have choices and they are both difficult. 1) Wait and work on self like DB'ers say and 2) File and wait for the debris to fall. Both include waiting. She says there is always hope for the first category and that his guilt and shame are signs that he should be given time to work this out as he requested.

She also addressed my feelings of loneliness. She said I needed to change the way I think about the situation to change the way I react to teh situation. I need to be THANKFUL that he has this time away from me to think about things. She says if he was at home then he would not be, that he would be pretending (yep, that is what happened this Fall after he moved out and came back). So, just think, WOW isn't this awesome he has the time and space he requested because it is progress whether it feels like it to me or not.

Secondly, she reiterated the "make time your friend" mantra. She said that I was lucky to have time to think, read, USE my bath salts, big yard, big house, big kitchen....She said I should set long= and short-term goals but to think WOW, I have time because who has time in this fast-paced modern world. So, change perspective and it will change my mood.

Of course, easy to say today as I just left her office. I see her weekly and last night was rough.

My H was a P-3 pilot in the Navy. We were offered a tour in Hawaii. Is that where you are Wendy? We were offered a tour there but opted instead for England.

GAL activities...work on my personal chef ideas. Looking forward to volunteering at Botanical Garden Outdoor Kitchen but that doesn't start until next month. Going to gym tonight on my bike and picking one class to attend regularly instead of my independent cardio equipment routine (love the elliptical).

Will think of goals and let y'all know.

H nicer (via text and note he left in house when he used printer when I was gone) after he heard that I had seen attorney. She said that was good but what was the reason behind it...i.e., don't read too much into it. He may just be scared.

He did fill up S16's truck with gas and check fluids, etc, while he was at work. Did I post this already? I thanked him (all this via text). So that is an action...

I can't decide if my 180's are working. The only real 180 I have is silence...right???

[WenikiTiki]

We are indeed in Hawaii. And my house up on the mountain looks right down at the military runway. I used to lie in bed watching the P-3's land at night. (After a couple years I got used to it....don't even notice them!)

Our first duty station was Germany. I bet you had fun in England!

I really love yoga. Just started a couple months ago. I resisted for years but really am enjoying it.

I'm sure you have other 180's. Figure out some other ways to zig when he zags! I have a hard time with goals. I need to write some down and take more action myself!

[ptcr]

Hey Wendy! How funny! We are on our way to Germany next week for S18's spring break from college. My brother lives in Cologne. We have been before...we are thinking of adding a day trip to Paris or Amsterdam or Bruge but it might just be too much.

So, today's situation is this....H landed from trip yesterday and texts me while i am at the gym "Hi there" and he goes on to explain he used our joint account for a water filter because the water in the house where he is renting a room is not good. I replied thanks for letting me know. Then asked about Tyler. Tried to keep it short (heart jumping every time my phone chimes).

Came home to dinner with S16. H was texting him about having dinner tonight. S16 said nope, had to work. Then asked about getting an ice cream afterwards. S16 said nope, busy. My heart is BREAKING!!!!!!!

I am afraid this will give H the ammunition that it is "too late" and things have "gone too far" and it is "beyond repair" (he is dramatic and EVERYTHING is always black and white) and he will just really, really check out. Is this ridiculous?

I know I cannot control his relationships with the kids but it still hurts my heart. My S16 is the sweetest boy and he said he will never forgive my H for what he is doing to me.

I quick texted my therapist (hallelujah she is accessible) and she said to remind S16 to be the person he is always (kind, loving, forgiving) and that if the kindest thing he can do right now is to be away from his Dad then so be it. Tough Love???? Yep. It is killing me. She said encourage him to do and say what feels best for him now.

No goals yet. Planning spring break trip with S18. Heading to Germany to see my brother. Going to gym later. Went to dentist. Need gum surgery!!!! Yikes, I am only 44!!!!

Feeling more even keeled...so that is good, right?

[ptcr]

BTW...any ideas about zigs when he zags???? Anyone??? Long distance LRT difficult to say the least...the only thing I can think of is ignoring his texts? But they are always about kids and money so that is not exactly easy to do either.

[labug]

How about text for emergencies and email for mundane stuff like water filters. There really is no need to respond to that.

Forget the last straw and live YOUR life.

[ptcr]

You are right labug. I guess I am AFRAID of making him angry by NOT responding. What is wrong with me???? I must still be in partial denial that he is doing what he wants with whom he wants and he has been for 2 stinkin' years and then I go feeling like a school girl when he gives me any attention. Do I have ANY self esteem?

This too....He is hot....let me tell you....hot and we have GREAT sex and I am ticked off that he has left me in my sexual peak to sit here and hope for him to come back and choose me, choose our kids, choose our life.

Wow, I sound desperate.

Going to gym to flirt with cute guy that is always there at 5. He asked me if I had a sister a few weeks ago because I look like someone from his office and i was just dumb struck...and said i had a twin! HAHAHAHA The funny thing is that I DO NOT have a twin. I have 2 sisters but people always ask if my youngest and I are twins (4 years apart). I do not KNOW the last time I laughed so hard telling her that when I was in Virginia last month. My twin.....

[labug]

Darlin' the best thing you can do is convince yourself he's gone.

[ptcr]

Thanks labug....I will try that. I suppose you mean by GAL and making plans that don't include him, etc? I will really try to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone. That is the hard part, isn't it? Some part of me thinks that I am GALing so HE can SEE me doing it, as opposed to me doing it for myself (which I also read in another thread). Gee whiz..what is wrong with me? I read Codependent No More at the gym. Wow. That book has more insight on me than you can imagine. In fact, it is frightening. I think I will try the day time Al Anon meeting tomorrow like ces did in that other post because the topic of that meeting certainly rings true here in my head.

[labug]

Alanon is all about giving you the strength to detach and helping you find your answers. Don't expect a miracle in the first couple of meetings, but make a commitment to attend at least 6 in a couple of weeks.

Stay after and talk to the regulars. Invite someone to go to coffee with you.

They've been where you are now and will listen.

[WenikiTiki]

I ment to zig when he zags when he is around. Guess I wasn't understanding how much he is gone.

All I know is I feel like a puppy that my H shows a tiny bit of affection to, but I certainly don't feel like the favorite dog.

Anyway, I have just started saying yes to any and all plans hatched by my friends. Even hair-brained ones. Out of the house doing something is better than in the house waiting for scraps of affection.

There are co-dependent groups, too.