When it's a one-way street...part 4

[Accuray]

Well on that note, I think I'm going to bow out for awhile. Something is coming across in my posts that is being interpreted negatively that isn't there. After I typed that last post, I went to the foyer, sat on the floor in the sun and sobbed because I don't understand. Hardly passive-aggressive.

I've been there. Sometimes you get some harsh feedback that just isn't on the money, and nothing you do can convince people they are off base.

Other times you're not ready to hear what people are telling you because you haven't gotten that far yet in your own journey.

Sometimes those two are happening at the same time.

When we react strongly it's either because someone has hit a nerve we don't want to face, OR they are entirely off base and it's not worth continuing down that path.

Quite frankly you pushed me quite a bit on my own sitch, at times I was angry, but I appreciated that you made me think.

Am I arrogant or thinking I'm not good enough? I'm hearing both. Those seem contradictory.

Not at all. Arrogance is borne of insecurity, so the two would go hand-in-hand. Arrogance is overcompensating for feeling unworthy.

FWIW, I don't think you're arrogant, I think you are hurting, and you have strong convictions and I don't view those two as being the same as arrogant. You came to this board quite sure that you were the victim and H the oppressor, and instead of getting support for that perspective and a pat on the back, you've been hearing that it's more about you than you would like to admit.

Pretend everyone that's posting to you is right. If you're not ready to deal with that, then they're not helping you. I hear that your main request is "how do I make this marriage less painful" and the answer you seem to be receiving is that you need to change yourself, and not in a trivial way, which sux because you don't think you've done anything wrong!

I can completely see that is heaping condemnation on top of a base of deep pain. That's why I tried to get you talking about what makes you happy. That's another path out of here BTW.

From my perspective, one path is confronting your weaknesses and issues head-on and muscling through them.

Another path is deciding to accept yourself for who you are, and to have no regrets about the person you've become.

The final path is focusing on what makes you happy and pursuing that. If you're able to achieve that happiness, then the weaknesses and issues may take care of themselves and the acceptance will come.

Any path will have limitations and obstacles that need to be overcome, and excuses to be evaluated and discarded. You're not happy where you are now, you know that. Which way do *you* want to move forward?

My biggest fear for you is that you leave H, find another man who initially seems wonderful, and over time you start to unconsciously seek ways he has slighted you and start to focus on those until you're right back here.

One of the books I read, I think "After the Affair" talked about the fact that everyone is mistreated in some way as a child. No parents are perfect. That mistreatment becomes your "place of comfort" because you have learned how to cope with it over the course of years. Therefore, when you get married, you are attracted to people who put you in your place of comfort. If you were never good enough to your parents, then you aren't going to value someone who puts you on a pedestal. That relationship won't be challenging or fulfilling for you, and you'll wonder what's wrong with the other person to make you feel that way. You'll be attracted to the person who makes you feel unworthy, and therefore your patterns will continue to repeat.

Another thing I read is that you train people how to treat you. Put another way, if people treat you a certain way it's because you accept it and have reinforced that it's ok. If you don't respond well to praise, but take action in response to criticism, then you train people to criticize you when they want something from you.

Really, through everything I've read, it all comes back to you. Your situation is one you've created. If you see that, then you're on the path to changing it.

It will break my heart if you stay where you are. Please keep reading, keep thinking and evaluating, and check back in when you feel better.

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