Keeping the Kids Out of It

[PrincessP]

My H does not talk to me at all. He comes into our house, plays with our child or picks her up to take her out. I get a "hi" and maybe a quick pat on the back (less than what you see on Sunday night football.) Oddly enough, even the pat on the back is a downgrade from the nice hug he was giving me for over month after he left. Not sure what to make of that, perhaps he is adjusting to his new found freedom.

Frankly, I have no idea where he even lives, in an apartment on his own or with someone. Neither of us have filed for D; although I have consulted a L on several occasions to protect myself financially. He has only said to me once that the house we bought together in Sept. 2011 has to be sold; it's too expensive (agree with that.) Aside from the night he left and a week later when he came to get some of his clothes and toiletries (he went ballistic on me, screaming, no hitting) he has only communicated his decision to end our marriage through my therapist who he knows too. Maybe the papers will arrive any day now. Maybe then I won’t feel in limbo. What I mean by limbo for me is whether or not I move out (after the house is sold) and do the DBing from a distance. I have to consider where I enroll our child next September for school and extra-curricular activities; let our child have lasting friendships somewhere; figure out whether or not I commute to work for a little while until I find a new job or move closer to where I work currently…lots of aspects of life are in limbo.

Right now, my H has to borrow my car to take our D out for the day; he drives a fancy sports car (given to him by my father no less.) He waits until the last minute to tell me where they are going, and I have to ask most times. Once he gets her out then I get last minute emails/texts saying they will be even later than originally requested.

To Barely Floating, my H took our D out towards my sister-in-law’s for what was originally presented to me as a day of swimming (an old family – his family not mine – tradition of taking a hotel room for the day to use the indoor pool.) Then it turned into an overnight in the hotel. I knew he would be drinking so I let it go and agreed to letting her stay overnight. I only know what my 4-year old told me so I don’t know where the OW finally laid her head for the night. In regular society when a man lays down with a minor-aged child it is considered deviant behavior. Women should be held to the same standard; my H or the other OW should have said “that would not be appropriate.” Seriously, how would my H or anyone out there perceive my inviting a strange man to lay down with a little girl? It creeps me out thinking about it.

The secret keeping is very dangerous, especially in the day and age we all live in now. How many children out there keep secrets, and when something really awful happens they don’t share because they were taught not to say anything or some form of punishment or disapproval would go their way.

Never in all of my 19 years with my H would have thought he had the capacity to manipulate our child or anyone. He is under the influence of his new found control, wealth, and promiscuity and is drunk with power. Sadly, our child is a pawn to him and he continues to believe that he is the victim.

Despite these serious lapses in judgment I still very much love my H and know that he is the one for me, and that is why I will DB until the end. I just want our child out of this entanglement.

I put the question out to the Newcomers, veteran DBers, the moderators, and coaches, how do you manage to DB successfully and keep your kids out of the manipulations from the spouse who did the leaving?