Separation Helped So Far..

[verycrazy]

You are so right, him ignoring the issues, and wanting to just go back to just being together will not be good for anyone. You see things so clearly, and like you said, maybe sometime down the road, a better R waits for you two.
vc

[anyhope]

Well 7th wedding anniversary came and went, I know he doesn't know it's on the 12th, he always thinks its on the 14th. He did call today and I decided not to mention it, just to see if he'll call on the 14th. Out of curiosity.. Not that we were so successful in making it work and would have anything to celebrate.. Anyhow..

[verycrazy]

Well maybe he will remember it tomorrow like he usually does. You know, maybe it makes it easier for him to even remember your anniversary since it's NEAR a holiday. I've heard a lot of men have a hard time remembering dates.
vc

[ptcr]

Anyhope, did you get the incorrect date anniversary call today? No contact from my H at all....he always said it was a Hallmark holiday, although saw very large purchase at dept store in London....I am certain for OW....who is 26....bleh....and a flight attendant thinking she is getting on the money train with a pilot....bleh.....

[anyhope]

No, I did not. He did call but didnt mention it, I kept thinking if I should mention it or not but decided not to because I was curious to see if he would bring it up on the 14th. He did call on the 14th to wish happy Valentines.. Even thats a step from him as he doesnt 'celebrate' Valentines. Though lately he takes every opportunity to call, so Valentines was just another perfect reason to pick up the phone. Even now he just sent me a text saying how he just ate too much... I mean sometimes it really sickens me how he'd initiate small talk.. I guess it depends on my mood, because sometimes I'm fine with small talk and other times I wish I was right by him and when he says something insignificant like that I wish I could just hit him in the head with a frying pan lol.. I wouldnt do that, but you know what I mean.. After all the pain I went through there are just too many unanswered questions. Especially if he wants to reconcile (which he does) I just dont see how he can think that saying 'what happened happened and we cant change the past' will cut it... Really leaves me speechless.

Anyways hope you had a good Valentines Day despite him not calling. It is the one holiday where going through something like this is not pretty, especially if you suspect he goes all out for ow :-/

[verycrazy]

Hi, anyhope, I hope things have been going well lately. I hope you are getting the space you need.

vc

[sayitaintso]

Any update Anyhope??

[sayitaintso]

Hows it going Anyhope?

[anyhope]

All is going ok I guess. Somewhat in the whole financially but hopeful things will pick up. I've been doing very good and felt that I do not want to reconcile, the pain of not just the breakup but also of facts of our marriage.. Almost seems like looking back it was never perfect. I always felt 'not good enough' in most things I did as well as in appearance. I just find that sad because I've always tried to better myself and contribute to the relationship. Im also ok looking, lot consider me attractive, yet I never felt really pretty in my husband's eyes, nor really valued as a partner.. A beer with a guys ALWAYS came before me. Pair that with the months of heartless craziness he's put me through and I cant find it in my hearth to give him another chance.. I can't imagine i'd be able to put it all behind me and try again.

I've done a good job at becoming friends, tho its hard because he gets hopeful and wants to do things together all the time, wants to be invited for breakfast, lunch or dinner, he doesn't care as long as he's around and its only so much of him I can take comfortably, but having the same circle of friends leaves us no choice but to be on good terms.

He is moving tomorrow and I've mentioned before he asked quite a few times if he could move here as he has nowhere else to move to. I keep turning him down, he will be moving to a friend's house for a month but his work situation is still crappy and now he's saying (yesterday he told me) that unless he gets some serious amount of work he won't be able to rent anything still after the month passes and that he should really move here for a month after. My no is very firm as I know what his plan is.. I know he doesn't have the money to move but I told him to borrow from ow, as a hooker making $200/hr Im sure she could help him out, or better yet move in with her as they were such close 'friends' till now. But he says he wants nothing to do with her.

Yet it took her a lot to move out, she moved out a few weeks ago as per H, but I was over the other day picking up some stuff I still had there in the basement and I could hear her talking and walking around upstairs, I asked h if she was there, he said she was also there to pick up some stuff of hers.. She went out the front door while I was getting my things from the basement and h asked me to come in and eat as he got really good sausages.. I said isn't miss whats her face there? He said she just left.. So I went in to eat and washed my hands before. In the bathroom sink were her underwear washed.. Now i could be wrong, but I think most women (who moved) would have taken their underwear with them.. So i proceeded with the hand washing thinking this and thinking that I dont really care anyhow..

There was a mattress in one of the smaller rooms and H mentioned a few times that she's been sleeping there as they broke up long ago but she had nowhere to go. Honestly I dont know what to believe, I believe nothing he says. I was there a few weeks ago to pick up the dog and now when I was there there was a huge note in the kitchen (noticeable place) said 'dont forget your lunch babe' and I thought I dont recall seeing this last time.. It it new? If it is its just another proof of his lies.

Now 2 hours ago I was on the phone and the other line beeps. It was H, called twice and once on the home phone. Once I was done talking I called him back to see who died. He said he almost died.. He said he was packing from a certain dresser (where he keeps pictures and stuff) and he started crying and wants to know if we could ever reconcile. I said i felt really sorry for him taking things so badly, but a few month ago I also packed up my half of that same dresser crying and he didnt give a rat's ass about how I felt.. A long time has gone by and just because he now thinks that what he did was wrong it doesnt mean that I can just pretend nothing happened and give him another chance. He then went on to ask to go somewhere for a week just as friends and see how things go, because he is now a changed man.. I said he is most likely not a changed man, he most likely never really loved me and I've been through the pain and will no longer settle. (I keep thinking of the email he sent to ow, saying how amazing and beautiful and intelligent she is) I'm sorry but that is really what broke my heart.. I never heard those things from him, I really thought he was incapable of such words (and I lived with him for 10 years) Thats whats hurts the most and makes me feel REALLY betrayed.

So... I told him how I felt, we hung up, I got depressed immediately and started crying but still think I'm doing the right thing. Right? that just messed up my day it looks like.. Can't focus on anything else right now...

[verycrazy]

Hi, anyhope, sorry you had a messed up day, yesterday. You know, it has only been about nine months since the ILYBNIL speech. It seems to you like a lifetime, but, it's still relatively new.
I am glad to see you have been able to stand firm with not allowing him to move in with you, since he has done nothing to work on himself, and doesn't seem to get that he even needs to do so. You know, what you said here, about never feeling good enough in his eyes, nor valued enough by him, have you considered letting him know some of these things? He seems really clueless, and when he doesn't seem to understand why you don't just jump for joy at the thought of him wanting you back, maybe writing these things down for him to see, would give him something to mull over. Honestly, he seems to be missing the compassion gene, but got an overabundance of the poor little me gene.

I think you are doing the right thing, anyhope, don't you? He has had ow until a few weeks ago, at least he says so. Who knows what is really going on? You wouldn't want to go back to the same old situation, would you? Really, if you two did reconcile now, what would have changed? It's understandable if you considered it, though, because you are hurting so much. One thing, he calls crying to you when he is hurt, that shows he knows you are a compassionate person.

How is your GAL going? Doing any fun stuff?
vc