Well, dear friends, I had a long lapse again, not talking to you for a while. I don't think it was necessarily a bad thing per se to be away for a while, as I was spending more time working on my own issues, particularly anger issues, and just didn't have the time to stay on the board. However, I find there are times when I could have used the support, and find that, whatever my reasons for being away for a while, I really need to be here.
OK, so, for those who are interested, here is the link to my last thread:
Since that time things have gotten worse. A LOT worse. I don't really know how to sum it all up without writing a novel, which I don't have time for (and I don't know if anyone has time to read), but I will try.
W is pregnant, which had things going a little better, as we had something positive to look forward to. In fact, there had been some positive stuff going on for a while (how d'ya think she GOT pregnant?). But all this positive stuff was shaky at best - one day things would be a little better, the next we would hardly be speaking.
A few things happened that set the stage for the current mess, although I think these things just set things in motion that had already been ready to collapse. One time when we were ML, I was very clumsy, and when W responded by telling me it hurt, I tried to change what I was doing. Nothing changed, she told me it felt the same, I tried to change again, didn't work, I panicked, tried to change again (repeat cycle several times) until she finally told me to stop. I had kept trying to change; it never occurred to me to just stop until she said so. I felt completely stupid, and apologized, but it gave her the impression that I don't listen to her, despite my explaining that I had been in "panic mode," and she lost trust. Whenever we are in MC, she brings that up, and my explanations don't matter - the impact the event had on her is what it is, and my explanations don't change her feelings. I've finally learned to realize that - what she feels is what she feels, and her feelings are not "wrong."
Another major turning point was when W and I were discussing this issue. She was in tears, telling me how much I had hurt her, broken her trust, and how she saw my behavior signifying that she didn't matter to me, and then talking about all the other ways that my behavior suggested that I was disregarding her. She wouldn't let me near her to comfort her, and her statements of how bad I had been to her kept piling up, and there was nothing I could say or do. I wanted so badly to do something to make her feel better, and I felt so guilty, and I was overwhelmed!
I had what is called a "meltdown." At least that is what people informally call it - there isn't a technical term I am aware of.
You see, I have Asperger's Disorder. It's related to Autism, but usually people can manage a career, and a regular life. Some people with Asperger's can become overstimulated or overwhelmed with circumstances, intense emotions, etc., and then they lose control of themselves. It's called a meltdown.
I started slamming my head against a wall - hard. I shouted out about how bad I was, and asked God to end my life. As childish or bizarre as this behavior seems to you when you read it, that is how embarrassed I am to put it out there. How embarrassed I felt when, moments later, I caught myself and forced myself to stop, and apologized to W.
It wasn't the first meltdown W had seen. In fact, this one was unusually short, and I was able to catch myself much earlier than those I had experienced in the past. But it was still too late.
At our next MC, W told me that she does not feel safe with me (although I would never dream of becoming violent toward her), and that she does not want to talk to me anymore, as she is afraid to talk about anything serious, for fear it will cause another meltdown. She feels that she has exhausted all her emotional resources to remain in this M, but she is willing to continue to live in the same house, for the sake of the kids.
We worked out an arrangement - we don't talk when we are alone. Only speak on functional topics (who's going to drive the kids to karate, etc.). Now I am sleeping on an air mattress on the floor of a crowded basement. This is the state of our M, with a baby on the way.
I don't know how coherent that all was - it's kind of a jumble in my mind. If you have any questions, I'll gladly answer them. I'm just hoping for someone to talk to. I feel really alone.
Think about it...if you met a potential mate who was nothing but a bundle of needs, would YOU be attracted to them?
