Accuray, thanks for the supportive words. I do very much appreciate this place as an option for feedback that I can't get from reading books. I'm trying to sort out what I can use and what I can't.
I did have to laugh at your comment that I didn't bring up H's EA until p8 of part 3, when everyone else is claiming that I bring up H's actions too much.
I found out about the EA probably 5 or 6 years ago. You're right in that H is more toward the "less bad end," with a few exceptions leaning more toward the "more bad end." I'm not sure how those would factor in and it probably isn't relevant. As far as how I rate it, eating food off my plate is a 2, this fantasy he has is an 11.
BTW, when I relate instances such as this, it might come off as angry, but what I'm feeling is just sadness. I feel incredible sadness at the loss of what I once thought I had. I can sit quietly in my corner and mourn, without anger and bitterness. But poking at it will result in anger and all sorts of other unpleasantness.
Part of my difficulty with his EA is my own inability to relate. I dated guys, some for a significant length of time, some I would even say I was in love with. None of them are someone I wish I had married. I heard a cute line once that said, "They call it a break-up for a reason, because it's BROKEN!"
I also see the problems this fantasy creates in a M. My BFF is still pining for her HS sweetheart. Every time she has an issue with her H, she says she wishes she would have followed her ex out to California, and adds in a few descriptive sentences about what her imagined life would look like right now. I try to talk her down but it doesn't change her feelings about him. I see what that comparison does to their M. Her H will never be good enough, because he's human and her ex is fantasy. At the same time, she isn't rubbing her H's nose in it, she doesn't say anything about it. She just harbors it.
Here's my issue. I have an image of what M is supposed to look like. I can't squeeze this reality into my image. I don't know how to move forward with this. I accept that it's not going to change; it's already been almost 40 years. He isn't still talking to her (that I know of, anyway) so there's nothing to address there.
There's actually an option 5. Stay in the M and make the best of it, realizing it will likely never become a healthy, vibrant, loving, passionate M as I envisioned, but something that is at least acceptable and primarily conflict-free. I'm having a difficult time defining that, at least with any enthusiasm. I think this is probably where you and I can relate, Accuray. I'm sure your R is not as you envisioned. I know you've struggled for some time with whether or not you can do this long term. I'm sure it saddens you greatly, even if you choose to accept it. Expecting it to be different would be foolish and only result in heartache for you.
When you take the chocolate chips out of chocolate chip cookies, they aren't chocolate chip cookies anymore. So what are they? They are certainly edible, but will you still enjoy eating them?
