Indecision and the affair continues (part 3)

[Nblost]

I filed for divorce on Friday. I informed H last night when he got home. He initially said, "ok" and acted like it was no big deal. We then got "into it" and had a couple hour conversation.

Lots of the same stuff came up. It feels like he has such a lack of understanding of what his guilt is making him feel and say. I can tell he isn't sure what he wants and he admits he will probably end up wanting me back later. However, he doesn't like when I say that working on our marriage will be a long process and it's hard to know how it will turn out. He feels like he can't give up his affair for that. I told him that's fine with me and I'm at the point where I need to move on. He basically likes the affair for how it makes him feel (I felt like saying, "Yes, I know...that's what every book says".) He also claims he never compares me and OW. I told him maybe he should start if he's really concerned about making a decision between us. He still feels like he can't talk to me about his affair because he thinks it will hurt my feelings or I'll throw things back at him. I said that was fine.

I freaked out at him a couple times when he tried to put things back on me or say I haven't been willing to try. He can tell there is a deep under current in me of anger and pain.

He said the one night he knew I was out with OM was the first time he realized (after 6 months!) that his affair could mean our marriage could end. I told him I feel like I was too patient with him and I should have filed and lost it sooner. He didn't agree or disagree.

Again, he can't really tell me what he wants or what he'd want me to do in an ideal world. He knows he has to end his affair for things to work out between us.

I also don't think he's comfortable that I appear to be strong and appear to be moving on. I told him how I've been working on detaching...he's only one person out of billions on the planet and even though he's my husband and the father of my kids...I have to live my own life.

It's really hard not to try to make him feel better or rescue him...but I'm not going to.

Interestingly, I've had a couple people ask why I seemed so happy on Friday. I think taking some control of the situation feels very good. Also, I've processed a lot in the last 8 months...I agree that life is too short.