Um, CV, if you're saying that you've forgiven H and that forgiveness has nothing to do with your problems, I call major BS. The hate, anger, disdain radiate. You've not forgiven him. (This, BTW, is not a judgment, it is a descriptive statement.)
But, if you're saying that you are afraid to forgive because you don't know what to do next, I believe that. This is why I wrote: "Forgiveness involves moving forward, it does not involve moving forward blindly. Forgiveness is not weak, but comes from a place of personal strength and compassion.
But you seem to feel that holding onto bitterness, anger, and disdain is the only thing to do without saying "it's ok to treat me like crap.""
So, what do you do with the knowledge if you forgive? You base your current and future choices with that knowledge. What do you do if you know H is gay? Well, evaluate your choices:
(1) Stay with H and change nothing. (2) Stay with H and change the context of the R to an open M or something that better fulfills both of your needs. (3) D but keep H in your life as a dear family friend. (4) D and exclude H from your life moving forward.
Any of the above choices could be made from a place motivated by what works best for you from what you want out of your life. Any of those choices could be made even if you fully forgive H. Any of those choices can be made without anger and hate, without be driven by fear.
So, suppose you were to forgive H for making you feel 2nd best.
BTW, the ranking here is NOT what is important. Even if there were no EA, H would be unhappy in the M TOO. Like I said, an M that is so bad for the WAS is just as bad for the LBS, they just aren't to the point of acceptance/acknowledging that. Moreover, the WAS/LBS dynamic makes the LBS blind to their own pain from earlier in the M for quite some time. That is, the LBS loses touch with how unhappy they were in the M while the WAS magnifies how unhappy they were in the M. This is standard, utterly predictable. They swing to the extremes in their view of the M and slowly both generally get a more realistic perspective. Though, this may involve a swing to the pendulum back and forth many times.
So, anyway, the real question in many ways is will you forgive H for not being content with you as a W? Well, will he forgive you with not being content with him as an H? You are both in very similar situations, you are living in an M that you may or may not want to preserve with a spouse with whom you are discontent who you know is not happy with you. Then, if the answer is yes, you will forgive H, then we are back to...
What do you do after you forgive H for making you feel 2nd best, but you continue to believe that (1) he did feel you were second best and (2) he still does feel you are second best. Well, you assess your choices.
(1) Stay with H and change nothing. (2) Stay with H and change the context of the R and see if it can become a healthy, vibrant, loving, passionate M that works for both of you. (3) D but keep H in your life as a dear family friend. (4) D and exclude H from your life moving forward.
Me, I'd scratch (1) off the list immediately. I'd also scratch (3) off the list -- based on my experience and observation of others, this "we'll always be the best friends" stage is simply a stage of unproductive denial. We want our spouses as romantic partners, not as friends. But whatever. That would leave me with (2) and (4).
I would choose (2), but not in an unconditional never look back way. Rather, I'd choose (2) freely and contingently. I would OWN my choice to see if the M can be what I WANT in the future and I would OWN the costs and risks as one's I chose to accept because of the possible benefits to MYSELF. I would set a time to check-in with MYSELF to see if I wanted to continue to try, maybe 6 months, and then during that 6 months I would work on myself to become the partner I would want to be in ANY relationship. A partner who is good to herself and partner, who is understanding, tolerant, strong, independent, direct, open, communicative, supportive, respectful, forgiving, loving, passionate, etc... Part of this might even include sharing with H: "H, I have felt 2nd best for some time. I still feel that way. It hurts beyond all imagining. I can't tell how much is because of myself, and how much is based on your true feelings about me. I am working my best on forgiving you for the EA, it is a process and I get scared. I understand that we both contributed to problems in our R that made EA an appealing option for you. I am so sorry for both of us that we reached that point. But, moving forward, feeling 2nd best is not an option for me. I'm looking at how much that is within me. But I also need you to know that for me to move forward I have to be your first choice now. If later you decide this M doesn't work and you want to move on, that's really OK. But, while we're still exploring making this M work together, it just has to be us. Right now, neither of us knows what we'll want 6 months from now. Right now, I know I want to try, but only with a partner whose first choice is to try with me." And yes, I know, you couldn't say that at all, or all at once. Or it doesn't reflect exactly how you feel, blah blah blah. Resist your excuses. Adjust the message. Do it in bits and pieces. Use email. Whatever.
Then, at the end of the 6 months, I would check-in with myself: Based on where I am at that point, do I choose (2) again or move to (4) or something else I hadn't yet considered.
And, back again to you and your critical parents. You didn't respond directly to my last post. You do get that this whole second best thing is ALL wrapped up with your parents CONSTANTLY sending you that message growing up, which they did according to your very own words.
Until you can feel better than second best (without the false security of being perfect which is never safely in one's grasp), NO ONE will make you feel better than second best in your life. H really doesn't have much of a chance of succeeding then. But, once you conquer your critical inner voice here (did you read that book?), then H would have a chance to treat you in a way in which you feel like his top choice. If he doesn't, well, you probably wouldn't stay because you conquered your critical inner voice that kept you stuck in that sort of R.
