Quote: However, as I've mentioned before on my last thread, Water in the Rocks, the red flags and flares were everywhere by this time last year. Life was waving it's arms and screaming from the shore, "There's a tsunami coming and it's headed your way". Like a twit, I just stood there dumbfounded neck deep in ignorance until - it crashed on me. Squished me like a bug.
Can I ever relate to that! It's only with hindsight that I can see there were LOADS of signs that something was very wrong, but I thought OUR marriage couldn't just fall flat like a house of cards, MY husband wouldn't do such a thing, MY friend wouldn't get involved seriously with her friend's husband, etc etc etc. Just how wrong could I be?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Great post! I had my guitar in my hand as I was reading. Couldn’t help but try to put it to music. Reminded me of some old Simon & Garfunkle. Hope things are going OK w/ H.
Yes, we are strangers, and yet, companions on our journey.
"Even from a dark night, songs of beauty can be born."
Ah, a balm of words to soothe the weary heart.
Please feel free to share poetry here anytime. I draw comfort from it.
That goes for everyone. Okay?
Deb,
"Today is my 1 yr. anniversary of the bomb. Of all days this is the one day my H is coming over!"
Eeeks! I've got an IV of empathy here. I'm sending gentle energy your way.
The poem "Time of Echoes" wrote itself in the middle of the night and wouldn't let me sleep until I dragged myself out of bed and wrote it down.
This was not the first time, and if history is an indicator, it won't be the last. Yaaawn....
I went grocery shopping this morning and felt my body turn on me. You know...rigid muscles, clenched jaw, thumping heart, laborious smile and a strong desire to curl up in a ball on the floor. Now there's a picture.
Wish there was an icon for that!
I had to white knuckle my cart through the gall-darn store.
I think that I'm only going to journal "memories" a bit at a time for now. This exercise tends to stir a lot up when I try to capture certain memories in writing as opposed to just browsing them as they float through my head.
"I thought OUR marriage couldn't just fall flat like a house of cards, MY husband wouldn't do such a thing, MY friend wouldn't get involved seriously with her friend's husband, etc etc etc. Just how wrong could I be? " Ouch, Ouch, Ouch! Gads, as if it weren't bad enough to have your H betray you with another woman....but with your friend?!
What a rusty dagger that one is.
I've seen it else where on this bb, and it truly makes me ill just to imagine the hurt that comes with such a corruption of trust. {{{{{LivnLearn}}}}}}
Gonzo,
"I had my guitar in my hand as I was reading. Couldn’t help but try to put it to music. Reminded me of some old Simon & Garfunkle."
Will we ever be free from these horendously painful memeories?
We cannot erase this kind of pain from our memory. We learn to live with it at best, and strive to come to terms with it, thus laying it out publicly and facing head on every betrayal and lie.
We must come to some kind of terms with this betrayal as best we can because it reaches into our depths and crawls through us, winding it's way to the center of our being-our hearts.
It steels into us in the dark of night as we lay sleepless. Remembering. Feeling.
As you remember Jeannine, so will we. It will hopefully be a purging time for us all.
Your words are hauntingly familiar. Even if the circumstances are different, the feelings must be closely shared by all of us.
They grab us and hold on tight.
Thank you Jeannine for your bravery. Your journey through these memories is bound to be a painful one. Rachael
Thanks for the poetic boost . It didn't take me long to play other songs…..
Livin' Life by the drop
…. Up and down the road in our worned out shoes talking about good thangs and singing the blues you went your way and I stayed behind we both knew it was just a matter of time…
Then ended watching Grateful Dawg on IFC and another new song for me to learn
Sitting in Limbo
…. Sitting here in limbo, waiting for the dice to roll Sitting here in limbo, have some time to search my soul Well, they're putting up resistance But I know that my faith will lead me on….
So I wasn't the only one who got goose bumps reading your poem...I am really not a HUGE poetry fan, but Jeannine, that was beautiful and haunting.
Boy, can I relate to what you gals are saying about hindsight being 20/20!
Why didn't I pay closer attention when our 10th anniversary dinner conversation was nearly nonexistant? Why didn't the massively increased number and duration of "business trips" catch my attention (oh, it did, but only to bitch about it ).
The late work hours? The odd phone call from CJ's SIL (when OW called THERE looking for CJ...he insisted it was a wrong number)...his cell phone being off during trips...him NOT leaving his hotel phone #'s or calling at 11:00 p.m. as he used to.
But like many of us (I think? )...I was SO COCKY!!!
CJ wouldn't DARE do anything like that! He just didn't have it in him! (I took some comfort in his "performance problems" HA! ).
And anyway, I was the one who'd complained that our M was dull, I was the one who wanted to go for counselling, I was the one reading all (not quite ALL! ) the books...I was completely blindsided...in my arrogance I NEVER thought this would happen to me. But it DID.
As for the memories...mine are definitely fading. I have not looked back over my journals or bb entries from last year since I wrote them (except for that brief foray on the anniv of bomb #1 which only served to make me feel WORSE!).
We will never "forget"...but the bad memories can fade...if we let them..and I suppose each one of us does it in our own way.
You and I have an annaversary in common, dearheart. I knew for sure on January 22, and confronted him the next morning.
In some ways, yes...I saw it coming. The increasing distance, his depression, the way he would pull away from me when I would hug him for longer than 5 seconds. But it wasn't all like that..so I was definately getting mixed messages.
The annaversary that I think will be the most difficult for me will be his b-day, Jan. 13. He was off and gone all day while I was at work, and when I tried several times to get through to him on his cell phone, no answer. I was fussing over making him a cake when I got home, and really hoping he'd like his present (a book of old album cover art, including all of the old Filmore posters). He finally called and said he'd been up to the mountain and had been feeling bad about getting older, but had decided "F-it, lots of old farts like Mick Jaeger are still kicking around and they are older than me". He was in a good mood when he got home and was describing his day up by the river on the mountain (this would not have been out of character as that is a place he would normally go to get spiritually centered). I noticed, though, that he had a cruel little smile going on as he LIED IN MY FACE.
He had been close to the mountian...with OW and there is no cell phone reception that far up.
Damn. These memories hurt. We went to see the Return of the King the other night. Later, I began to think about the part where Frodo was stabbed with the Ringwraith's ice-cold sword on Weathertop. It never completely healed, and sometimes the wound would grow cold and make his heart feel like it was pumping cold blood. That is how those memories feel to me.
I've got an IV of empathy here. 
).