MC says to call it quits

[Accuray]

Thanks Greenblue90,

You complain about my behavior, which means you are unhappy with me, it saddens me that you are unhappy with me, how dare you make me sad!!

1) I don't complain about her behavior
2) She doesn't say "how dare you make me sad", nor does she act like that

I think the dynamic you're talking about is manipulation to your point. Manipulation like that could be intentional or unintentional, but the point of it would be to get certain behavior from me to make W feel the way she wants to feel.

I don't *think* that's what's going on here. The DB coach and the MC/IC's that have gotten involved with the sitch don't feel that's the case, and from my reading and analysis, I don't think that's it either, but I could be too close to it to see it, and I will give it due consideration.

I do acknowledge that W's impression of her own needs doesn't match with her behavior. She thinks she's extremely low maintenance and needs very little. She claims that all she needs is for the people around her to be "ok" and then she's ok. That's who she thinks she is, a caretaker or a peacemaker type. That type doesn't have EA's though, do they? An EA is about your own needs, it's inherently a selfish thing to do.

That's a challenge here -- if you don't acknowledge and/or suppress your own needs (actively or unknowingly), then feel badly as a result of your needs not being met, those who love you have no chance to succeed.

My W's father went through a bankruptcy. At the time he was defaulting on several mortgages. I told him that he really should talk to a lawyer to navigate the best way forward, that he may be able to structure a settlement to come out of it with some assets intact. He claimed he didn't have the money to talk to a lawyer. I told him I would pay for the lawyer, just go talk to one. He never did, he told me he knew exactly what would happen, how the situation would play out, etc. He said he had researched it and he knew best.

It occurred to me that my W is acting the same way -- our marriage came to crisis. I took the initiative to consult specialists, offered to work with W on whatever she needed, have her go to IC herself, etc. but she told me no, she's accepted her position, she understands everything that's going on and why, and she doesn't need any help, or the professionals can't help her anyway. It's kind of a striking parallel.

Quick journal:

W had to pick up D13 last night after dinner, so I did the dishes. W came home and apologized that I was doing the dishes. I told her "I don't mind at all". She said "no, you don't like doing the dishes, you shouldn't have to do them" I told her they need to get done, neither of us should *have* to do them, and I don't mind. It drives me crazy when I'm contributing around the house, listening to music and enjoying myself and she comes in and apologizes, then refuses to accept that I don't mind. What is that?

Later last night she told me she was talking to one of the wives who went on the ski trip with us. The woman was saying how much fun she had and that next year she wants to do it again and rent a big house where we can all stay together. My W told her that I wouldn't be up for that because I like to relax at the end of the day. I like to ski with everyone, but afterwards like to decompress. There may be some truth to that, but I wouldn't have said that to the other woman -- it makes me come across as anti-social. In reality I'd be happy to share a house with them next year, I just wouldn't want to bring W if she's going to have a bad attitude again. I told W I would rent a house with them and she said "I thought you didn't want to go again next year" Did she miss the point? I would LOVE to go skiing for school vacation week again next year, but not if she's going to be like "3 days of rain" the whole time. I just told her we can go somewhere warm instead.

I recently replaced my 13 year old car with a newer 5 year old car. She said the same woman commented that she was surprised I bought the car I did. W told her that "I'm always buying cars"

When W told me that this morning, I told her I was sorry that she feels that way. She told me she was only kidding and went into the "what's wrong what's wrong" routine and just kept staring at me. I told her nothing is wrong, that I gave her the opportunity to weigh in on getting a new car and she agreed it was time. She said she was just kidding and that it was time to get a new car.

I felt like she was making me out to be an ass with this mutual friend and I didn't like it.

She then said "well can I get a hug before I go to work?" I hugged her and she kissed me. (A little pursuing maybe?)

I'm going to keep it at a 5. I don't know why there's so much drama here. I feel like there shouldn't be.

Accuray