Separation, Moved back in, still ILYBNILWY Part 2

[tenbusrider]

Journaling -

Didn't see much of W the last few days. She worked pretty much every day, had plans every evening, including spending the night with her BFF on Friday. We did go to church and dinner on Saturday night, and I did give an apology, though not the one I wrote above. It was a much shorter one based on advice I got. She said it was honest, then went on to say she wasn't sure if forgiveness would be enough to help her feelings. She followed that with the whole "I love you as a friend, as S's father, but not sure if I can love you as a partner." You know, that old chestnut.

Also, when we got to the restaurant, she asked me if I wanted to drink and that I could if I wanted to. I told her no, reminded her that I'd told her "one year". She responded that I should be doing it for myself, to which I agreed and said that I was. That made things pretty uncomfortable.

In all, it was a terrible dinner, the restaurant had changed too much from when we'd worked there, and the quality of the food was dismal. Major disappointment. At least we both agreed on that.

I've been finding myself getting pretty angry with her since this weekend. She broke her smart phone and was complaining about that, likened not having it to heroin withdrawals. She went on to say that we should sign a contract with a carrier so we can get a good price on phones.

I agreed with her, but didn't commit to anything. After thinking about it, I realized this is where I'm going to have to make my first real boundary. I will not sign a contract until I know what way this sitch is going. Her not having a smart phone is her problem, not mine. I'm not going to get myself into a situation where I could potentially be screwed for a lot of money on line cancellations as well as dealing with any other potential ramifications carried by it.

That got me to thinking about our financial situation. I'm in a bad spot and it's getting worse. I told her last night that we needed to pay more attention to what we were spending, that most of our money was going to 5-15 dollar purchases, and quite frankly, the only thing getting paid was the mortgage. She asked me "why are you making so little?" I wanted to puke blood. I explained to her that after putting money back for the mortgage and my tithing, what was left got spent very quickly in small purchases.

W: How much are you tithing?
Me: 10%
W: Do you do it on every paycheck?
Me: Yes, that's what I'm supposed to do.

I think she was going to try and get me to stop, but I think my answers indicated there was no room for negotiation. She'd be arguing against scripture at that point.

I didn't mention that she hasn't helped me pay anything since she came back, but that's about to change. I'm also going to suggest that she get the internet turned on in her name, since not having it is one of her big complaints. I owe the ISP a pretty good chunk of change that I just don't have right now.

I told her we need to do real grocery shopping, start taking our lunches to work, and stop buying lunches. I didn't go on to say that the only time she should be buying cosmetics is when she's been paid, simply because I want to see how this pans out. She did agree with me on the other points.

If the status quo is maintained, I'm going to open a separate bank account and get my money deposited there. I've gone too long not protecting myself, but I want to give her the chance to participate in trying to fix this stuff first, so she can't throw that back in my face at some point down the road (though I expect she'll find something else to throw, just trying to take the high road).

I read Busto's threads yesterday, and I think that fueled the anger a feel about this whole thing and increasing my desires to set some concrete boundaries. She's definitely cake-eating, and while I want to support her, I'm now just being taken advantage of. I'm tired of that. SICK OF IT, even.

I've got to get back to me. I haven't done anything to GAL during Feb., and I think that's also contributing to my current foul mood. I want this madness to end.