Okay so I'm walking thru the kitchen and my W stops me and says that because I have my own life she should learn to handle her own finances. So I calmly work towards figuring out what she means. I tell her that I emailed her with a suggested way of doing this when she said last time that it was important to her, and that she never responded, so is that what you want to do or do you have something else you're thinking? She says we are leading separate lives so we should separate the finances. Note that this has been a big thing for her forever but she has never actually stepped up to do something about it. So I say do you want to do this now? She doesn't. She says this way of living suxx and it's killing her. I ask her what she wants or needs to do. She says (and I knew she would see my GAL and detachment this way) that since we lead totally separate lives she hates it here. So I say that she is giving me contradictory messages. She pushes me away completely and then is unhappy that I'm not with her like before. She says she is not actually doing anything. She's just completely unable to get a hold on what to do in anything and absolutely has nothing in the tank at all. That opens the door for a 3 hr Gilligan tour of our entire history and everything going on now.
It's funny huh?
Not funny like Ha Ha, funny as in odd....
Things are going well, you get sukked into a relationship talk..
Kind of felt like the bomb again huh ?
YOUR reaction was different this time, and this didn't send you on a kamikaze mission ( or at least in front of her this time)
Hmmmmm...
You are getting this for a reason. YOU have taken steps to move forward in your life. There is a guilt there that she isn't capable of doing the same. She can clearly see that you are getting your life in order, and she is having a hard time with that. There is part of her that can't watch that.
The confusion she is feeling is actually a good thing. Time is on your side here.
The good part of it is....that she felt SAFE coming to you. You didn't call her crazy (to her face at least), you listened and validated her. You provided a safe place for her to vent her frustration.
Rick.....she is only going to be able to feel what she feels. A person is only capable of giving outwardly, what they are feeling inwardly. What she has shown you is miniscule, compared to what is really going on in her head.
Being the LBS-DBer is one of the hardest things in the world to do. WE hold ourselves to a higher standard in almost everything we do now. We walk a tight rope of being "superior" to our spouses. WE have learned the hard lessons, the hard way. And we are better because of it. It doesn't make us the judge though.
That is what is expected from us. We are here, honing our relationship skills almost daily. The way we talk, the way we think, the way we act. All in part, to make us capable of making better choices in our lives.
Our spouses aren't here, and they are not doing that kind of work yet. They simply are not capable of that for now. There will come a time when they are, just for now ? Nope....
She sees that bro, and she knows that she can't do that. She sees your actions have changed, and how you respond differently. Part of that is her wanting to be able to do that, part of that is her feeling guilty that she can't do that.
All relationship talks aren't bad buddy.....it's the ones that the LBS initiates that get us into trouble.
The way YOU handled yourself...was exactly what she didn't expect. The way you handled yourself was EXACTLY the way you should be handling yourself....DIFFERENTLY
Take it easy on yourself, this is one of the first times you have really seen a glimpse inside of her mind, or at least with an understanding of what may be going through her mind.
Get up, dust off, and start a new day man......
You are standing for you...and if a new relationship with her starts down the road, then you will be ready for that. You will even invite that. For now, she has to find herself, before she has anything to give to you.
