When it's a one-way street...part 3

[~ kd ~]

So much of what Sandi2 stated in her last post I feel is so relevant. As much as I'd love to quote and stress many of the points I noticed from my perspective of her post, I wanted to mention just a few:

I had to realize he would never be better. He was nearing retirement and he would never climb the "success ladder" any higher. He would never please me in how he kept the back yard, and he would continue to bring junk home to add to his other junk. He would always take all day to think about what he was going to do that day. He would never be the great handyman like my neighbor. He would not measure up in to my father, in my eyes. He would never open open up and talk to me the way I wanted him to, b/c he didn't know how. Neither would he give me the emotional intimacy I wanted b/c he apparently didn't know how to do that either. In other words, he would never change! I really didn't have any hope in him making any kind of change.

I have not doubt that is how my W feels about me. The difference between her and sandi2 (and possibly yourself) is that my W hasn't made any decision to accept the above and still stay together. Without knowing that I can change and I can be more of what she would like, still be true to myself, and still not be exactly what she wants, but could certainly (in her eyes) a better version of myself...

I feel this is so very important to wholly accept, especially for a WAS to turn around, as well as for an LBS (of their WAS) to start making the positive changes in themselves. The LBS makes a decision (in some form) that they will "fix" themselves and stand and rebuild an R with their spouse, even if their spouse never changes.

I suppose the difference is in some ways just semantics. The LBS would not see that as sacrifice.

...my H had used those two words to me so much, I hated it with a passion!

I think the above is great, because often the WAS will say outright, or follow the ILYB speech with having "lost that loving feeling" and/or "I don't feel passion" in regards to the M... yet... it is quite certain that there is passion... it just happens to be of the negative kind...

Maybe I had good reason to feel like I did toward a lot of things, but what I've learned about M, is that most of it is forgiving. Some people say they "overlook" the faults of their S's, but that's just a word for forgiveness.

Wow, that is a very powerful statement.

When we aren't keeping score, life (and R's) are often a constant (yet subtle or unstated) serious of forgiving.

Forgiveness is a choice.

I feel that is such a great summary.

You don't have to forgive. You may not feel your H deserves your forgiveness and as sandi2 says, he may not deserve your forgiveness.

That is neither right nor wrong.

Your choice, whatever it ends up being, will not be right or wrong.

It will simply be a choice. And once you make that choice, you can move forward... you have everyone's right in life... that of the freedom... of choice...