I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Sad,

I think WorkingGuy has some good suggestions. Though I'm usually in total agreement with Sandi, I don't get the same "cake eating" read from your wife that she does, at least not yet.


To me, She sounds confused and sad herself. She has not slept or eaten well, like you. She burst into tears and she's taking out her pain on the kids, per you.

So the "cake eating" is purely financial? Is that it? Couldn't the same be said about you? I mean this way there is only one mortgage to pay so in reality right now you both benefit by staying under the same roof (financially speaking).

If she is having an affair, she's not bringing OM home to the kids...so again, I'm not seeing a lot of cake eating compared to confusion and pain from her.
But the other thing is,

In any event, ALL WASs are "cake eaters" in a way, for awhile. How?

B/C for some amount of time the LBSer works on the M, while the WAS does not.

So for some time, we all allow that. We take the first step to save the m...and the 2nd step, and the next 100 steps...

that's reality b/c the LBSer is the one here posting and the WAS is not.

She's not here working on the m b/c she wants the m to end...

(and be friends, sort of)...and you don't want it to end.

So either lose the score card, OR save the score keeping and "getting even" for a whole lot later.

Please tell me, other than your work hours, which you say have changed, what were HER SPECIFIC complaints about you?

The "selfishness" means... what? I ask so I can better advise about 180s...like getting some skiis on would be great to do. Be less predictable.

A bit of mystery is a good idea. In a subtle way you can let her realize that at some point you will not stick around to watch her date OMs, and you don't intend to never be touched again...she can deduce that someday, you will probably date OWs...and bring them into the house IF you are still living there...gee, how will that work?

She's not realistic now. Her going nuts when you said you'd move out is a testament to how little she has thought this out.

But no, I am not saying you have to be in limboland forever...you can make small adjustments now.

Small consistent changes + sufficient time = change she can believe in.

And once we have a better idea about the inner work YOU have to do, we can help better. The real journey in life is an inner one.

My DB coach was great and I highly recommend you talk to one for a 3 session package. (They are Not that expensive if you compare it to ICs around here).

And they are very specific w/their advice. IMO, the DB coach I had, did more to keep our m together than anyone else, though I loved my mc too.

Here were some of her suggestions for me, and some may apply to you as well.

First, Lose the anger, at least in front of her. It tends to validate her choice to leave, Not question it. Expressing your anger to her helps no one.

In fact, I found that although I didn't think my h "deserved" no anger from me, I finally realized that my anger consumed mostly ME, and by letting go of it, I helped ME first, then the m. So I got some peace...

Second, applaud loudly for the 1% of positives your spouse does...It may sound corny but just making yourself focus on the positives really helps- but the positive comments you express must be sincere and authentic to you.

It really does wonders for the relationship and helps you with the kids too...and teaches them...and your w will notice it. It supports her, it shows love, and maybe her other love language is words of affirmation. She sure seems to be very sensitive to what you say, so think about it.

Being an introvert CAN mean that you say fewer flattering things than you realize, and it may come off as you withholding from her...AND OR being critical b/c if you say very little in general, and then you utter a negative comment (and btw "suggestions" OFTEN come off as criticism)...

So, do any of these ^^^ comments from her in the past, support ^^^this?

OKAY....GAL--
you must do this. I don't know if you realize how vital it is.

First it helps YOU obsess less and become a healthier person, thereby bringing more to the table, and it makes you less predictable (which is key now)

and her seeing you may light a fire under her to get some movement or effort from her towards the m. Despite that comment, I want you to remember that GAL is Not about the goal of getting her back, but getting her back can be a byproduct of it.

As for not being in love....(SIGH)

First, I think marriage is an ebb and flow thing. There are times we don't feel "in love" with our spouses and sometimes they are not acting all that lovable, and sometimes it's just us...but we weather the storm and the "lovin' feelin'" come back.

Plus, love is at least partly a choice. I think it's mostly a choice. Love is a verb & that takes action. Love is not something that lands on us...or finds us...we give and create love in our lives, and we nurture it.

Finally, for now and from this day forward, be the best dad you can be. It's a turn on to all women, (no mother is unmoved by seeing loving interaction between her chldren and their dad)

and it's the right thing to do anyhow. Plus your kids need you more now than ever.

I found it bittersweet that your son said he likes the 'new daddy"...

you realize what that says about you in the past? Your hours were too long.
Your kids noticed, AND your wife felt neglected enough to want out.
Hear that. Know it, and change it. Sounds as if you have, but don't backslide on it...ever.

Did you read the "Five Love Languages"? It's a great book for all couples...and one of your w's love languages, is clearly quality time together.
Your m lacked that, until now. Were you romantic? Is she?

How do you give your love? How does SHE give love?

As for the rules that Sandi assembled (she didn't author them; she assembled them. I only say that b/c I want you to know the "rules" are based on MWD's philosophy, not just Sandi's ideas...and they work if you work them)---

So follow them. That means Don't send letters like the one you wrote. Keep them to yourself certainly for now.

Act as if you DO get it. You get that She wants out and you now realize that no matter what else happens, you will be alright.

You will GAL and be content with, or without HER...but you will have the kids half time. I doubt she gets that.

Also, I'm a L too. And when my h left for the "great wilds of the tundra" (LONG story) I went to see a L myself. Don't represent yourself. If that is not obvious to you then we can talk but I assume you know this. I suggest at least one session to confirm what you think the law is and realize that knowledge is power.

Don't see her lawyer appointment as the death knell. When I saw my L, about 3 times in all, it mostly helped the marriage b/c I did not feel trapped. i was CHOOSING to stay married and not out of fear of being destitute. Make sense?

So now you must GAL-for real.

How about you make sure she watches the kids at least 1-2 nights a week for you, so you can go out and "meet up w/friends" (don't list all of the friends)

AND OR

go to a class or dance or some other UNexpected activity she would (maybe ski??) that shows CHANGE on your end.

remember this basic truth,

unless she believes marriage to you can be better/different, she won't return.

so you have to show her CHANGE...so she'll believe it can improve.

Don't say you are "too clumsy" to ski...don't put yourself down like that. You can learn. Two lessons will get you down 80% of the slopes (learn to slow, stop and aim. See??)...

Keep posting and we'll try to help. But be more specific about her complaints of you.

If you were a great guy and super h, but with long hours "that you fixed" and she still wants out

then you are powerless to do anything...right?

When our mc's told me and h that my h was out of line to want to live on his own, or that he was 'acting like a single man" -- that did validate my view and it did make me feel "right"

but it also left me with nothing to work on. So I was "right, but powerless."

See, that is why I LOVE having things to work on in myself -

and if you get the right perspective, you will see my point.

The more you have to work on in YOU, which only you control,

the more empowered you are. Dig deep.

Do you get that?