When it's a one-way street...part 3

[25yearsmlc]

I see that could actually be much more powerful in your "choice to be a WAS" than originally anticipated.

I thought I read that you got over it. Obviously, you are attached to a belief that your H would rather be with someone else, so you decided to leave FIRST. To be fair, I am not saying that you are being mean or bad. I am just saying that is how it can look to an outside observer.

fwiw, I don't think you are "over it" at all, and I say that without any judgement attached. I am curious as to why you'd say, or believe, that you are over it though.

What makes you think so? Is it possible you think it'd look weak or unforgiving, to not be "over it"? If so, why?


Sorry if I wasn't clear. It's what I was trying to say when I said forgiveness doesn't take away the fact that now you KNOW something, and knowing it changes everything.

Without knowing what you are forgiving, well...what are you forgiving? Of course knowing something is harder than not knowing if not knowing means you still retain hope but my "issue" with this statement of yours, suggests that it's easier to forgive if you do not know.

My question is, if you do Not know something happened, what's to forgive?
You must "KNOW" something in order to forgive it, and sure
yes, knowing may change things - but so does forgiveness.


OW wasn't the only instance. This has been a pretty consistent message throughout our M.

does this^^^ mean he's had other EAs or PAs? OR that the message is consistent to you?

There's a big difference for me. In the former case, it suggests a pattern and not a fluke, or aberration.

In the latter case, it MIGHT be your perception that needs changing. At least it's possible.

It just seems that anyone and everyone is more valued/fun/entertaining/lovable/important/etc. than me. It's not so much a matter of leaving FIRST, but more a matter of not having a reason to stay.

BUT!! We're back to talking about H's actions. That's not good.

actually we are talking about how YOU FEEL, and that matters. It is why you are here.

And it is something you can work on IF you want to. If I thought you could make significant changes in your behavior and attitude towards your h -

and that he'd still not change an iota, I would be shocked and maybe not too supportive of your efforts.

But I have seen too many marriages change, w/ both partners, to believe it's impossible. IMO, when one person changes consistently over time. the other tends to change as well.

Why? B/c as you probably know, the more secure a spouse feels, the more loved they feel, the more loving they become.

Meanwhile, as you make the changes to loving him more fully, (if you do choose that)

the more loving you FEEL and that's NOT bad.

If you feel "This is unfair" the whole time you are supposedly being more loving,

then it can't work. I hope this makes sense.