Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

Sorry, this gets long and bloggy. But I may be doing something right and I want to write it down for consideration at a later time.

I feel pretty good about today. What can happen on a Sunday is I meet my wife at church, she is unable to look near me without scowling, but we stay with the kids to socialize with the other families and church members until about noon. Finally, upset that I exist, my wife leaves with the kids only further annoyed by the fact that I'm helping her get them back to and into her car.

Another thing that can happen is that we have a good time at church, W invites me over for lunch, we hang out, then she invites me to stay for dinner, then we share in putting kids to bed, and then I finally go back to my one-room apartment.

To anyone confused about my status as an atheist, it is a UU church, and they take all kinds. It's a nice place.

So today was in the middle of the two extremes, but it felt really good.

W let me take D3 out after church today. At the hardware store, I bought her a tiny tape measure and little wrench and got some stuff I needed to fix things around the house. We ate lunch out. When we got home for D3 naptime, W offered to let me "do" naptime. I would normally jump at that, but I asked her to do it so I could fix some things while W was upstairs. (I was trying to avoid being in the same place at the same time with her, so she didn't mind my being at the house.) W was taking a while, I fixed what I came to fix, but S6 was playing by himself on the computer. I asked if he'd like me to read to him for a while, so we did that until W finally came downstairs. I would have left right after I finished the chapter, but D3 was calling for mommy and W was having stomach distress and stuck in the bathroom.

So I went upstairs and got D3 to go to sleep. When W was finally out of the bathroom, I left the house. I went to the neighborhood coffee shop to get some work done on the computer. I had no further expectations, but W texted me that D3 left her stuffed animal in my car and asked if I'd drop it off before bedtime. When I got there, W offered me leftovers for dinner (after I looked longingly at the grilled cheese sandwiches she had just thrown in the garbage!!!). W was giving D3 a bath, and S6 was on the computer again, so I figured this time I'd have him read to me while we waited for Mom to finish up with his sister. I tried to read my wife carefully and not be there if she wanted me away. I ended up helping S6 get bathed and ready for bed before W took both kids upstairs for bed time.

Once again, I found my wife away from me, so I figured no harm could come from me spending a little more time at the house while she was busy with the kids. So I did the dishes, did some laundry, and started cleaning up the place. I put my coat on and got ready to go but W invited me to clean up the house a little more. So I did. I kept any talk light, but eventually she brought up the idea that I hadn't appreciated what she had been doing all these years making dinner.

I was still baffled by her meaning, though I came to realize that what she meant was that I appreciated in the sense that I always thanked her, but I didn't appreciate in the sense that I didn't comprehend what the effort entailed. She has the perception that I think I can do this without practice and effort and I don't understand why she thinks I think that. But I let it rest.

I got ready to go again, and she gave me the most baffling invitation of all. She asked me to help her do sit ups to help her out with a challenge she was assigned at her gym this week. So I took off my coat and shoes, got down on the floor, locked legs with her, and we did 75 sit-ups together. I felt like a teenager, excited for any physical contact with the girl I am interested in.

It's been 7 months now (OMG, WHAT?) since I've gotten sweaty with my wife. This was welcome.

Finally, I did leave the house, taking the garbage with me as I went (for the third time that day). How can we be making that much garbage?

I think my recent interest in cooking has done a lot to increase her interest in me. I'm most certainly keeping that up. If the stomach is the way to that girl's heart, I'm pleased to make that happen.

I also think my decision to avoid contacting her by text or email has helped and I'm going to keep that up. I was tempted to make email contact today, but I resisted.

I'm enjoying the good moments, and I'm preparing to increase my efforts in the areas that seem to be working. I'm trying to keep my expectations low, and preparing to remain cool and detached for the obligatory post-good-time nastiness that is likely to come this week.

Thanks for listening.