WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Had an interesting set of email exchanges with my W today. She emailed early this morning to tell me of her work schedule for mid-month. In there was a request to have the kids overnight for one or two nights as she has been given a few night shifts.

I immediately started tapping out a reply, in church no less. What is wrong with me? I put away my phone and decided she could wait for goodness sake. So when I got home and got caught up on things I responded, about four hours later.

I told her the overnights were fine. I rarely get my SS and SD overnight. That triggered quite a few back and forth emails, mostly logistics stuff. One update that I was happy to see is that the on/off arrangement with XH may be no more. She's going to ask the judge to have XH pay CS and keep the old schedule. That would mean more time I would get with SS and SD. Unfortunately it means the R between SS, SD, and XH will probably become worse. But, frankly, I don't think it's healthy for the kids to be moving between two houses that are 60 miles apart during the school week. It means no park and rec, sports, etc... they don't have a "home". I had not shared those thoughts with my W because she didn't ask and it's not my place any more. So I was glad to see she got there on her own.

Anyway, during the exchanges she asked how I was doing. Told her great. She replied that it's hard. That she hates being alone in the house and struggles. That she misses being able to come home and tell someone about her day.

Of course that doesn't mean she misses me... it wasn't that she missed telling me about her day, just telling someone. Then she says this,

As for living my life...yes, I'm more trying to figure out myself first and then try to find things I enjoy doing that I have not done for a long time. I'm a hot mess and hope to try and fix that to be a better me, better mom and better at being alone

So not sure where I take that... but it's fits her mantra so far. And I do hope all those things come true for her. I'd like her to be a better her and a better mom.

So then we discuss a little more business. Some payment arrangements on some stuff and whatnot. We discuss our S's pending birthday party and what we're going to do about that (we're going to have a joint party that we split the cost on). That was a big change for me... in the past I would've paid for everything and set everything up. Today I simply told her what S says he wants, what the estimated cost would be, and that I would pay half. She agreed. Ok, so during all of this my tone is fairly business-like and restrained. I'm trying to not be emotional or mopey, etc... Then I send her email about something I forgot to say in my "last email."

I get this panicked reply... she's apologizing if she made me angry or hurt me. That she needs to do this and knows it's horrible on everyone. That she hopes this wasn't my last email to her ever to her. That if it is she hopes I'll reconsider and explain why I feel the need to just stop communicating like that.

WTF? Umm.. I just meant my "last email" as in the email I just sent... no, not the last email that I will ever send you. Somehow I think that email will have far more fanfare and dramatics involved. But her reaction really surprised me. I have no idea what it means, but it did surprise me.

So tomorrow it's back to the office after being gone for a full week on work travel. Tomorrow night I see W for the first time in over a week. Feeling ok. Lots of support at church today and had a good weekend with S. Get to see all three kids tomorrow and spend the evening with them and put them to bed.

Doing better I guess. Still miss my family. Still miss my W. Still tired of finding things missing and having to replace them (today it was my favorite measuring cups). But one step at a time.

Though I did go out and buy a new stylish overcoat (I've worn the same winter coat for 13 years... those Columbia's hold up well) and new underwear. Every "single guy" website says buy new underwear so I did... and I didn't even go cheap