I don't love you anymore, but we can be friends

[workinghardguy]

Hey Sad... sorry for your sitch man. I'm in WI too.. other side of the state, though I grew up in Grafton. It may be time to visit Cedar Creek if you know what I mean

Ok... seriously, let me be straight. The next few months are going to suck. Feel free to check out my sitch, but know that it does get better, but only after it gets worse.

The "friends" thing.. my W says/is saying the same thing. And we are right now. Why? I guess b/c she is my friend. She's also my S's mom and I'd like him to not see us at each other. And, frankly, b/c I have empathy for her.

Each WAW has their own motivation. Some amount of that motivation is driven by things we, the H's, have done. Some of us on these boards have done lots of very bad things and others have done less, but in the end we all have our faults. At the same time we're also human. Our WAW's also have their faults and their issues. Now... at the point W and I are at in our process... I see her as lost and hurting so it's easy to have empathy.

Don't bring up whether she can hack it or not. A great piece of advice, maybe it was even from Sandi, is that it's not our job to teach our spouse's life lessons... it's life's job to do that.

Your only focus needs to be on you. You mentioned that your kids like the new dad. Don't give that up. Not b/c you want to save your marriage or keep your wife, but b/c your kids need it (and will need it even more in the coming months). Dig deep and figure out what else you don't like... then work on that too.

If she comes around, she comes around. If not you end up with a better you. You'll hear this a hundred times, get used to it.

A few other suggestions... don't move out. My W and I lived together for six months after the bomb.. and yes, it was not fun. But I didn't move out, she did. I didn't leave my kids, she took them, trust me that the kids know the difference (especially the 10 year old will). I will readily admit that DBing when you're apart is much easier than when you're together. But ultimately if she wants out she can do that.

Others may disagree with this advice... that's the nature of the boards. I know we are to love our wives they way they want to be loved (versus the way we want to love them). But running out of your house isn't that solution.

As far as your W freaking out on you about moving out... they are unpredictable. WAW's are also self-focused, selfish, and often narcissistic... get used to it. The next many months will largely be about her and her needs. You will grow frustrated and angry at how she shorts your kids. How she constructs you as the cause of her problems. But she's also scared out of her wits and fear is a terrible motivator.

Just today my W and I were exchanging emails. She misconstrued something I said and thought I was telling her that the email I had just sent was the last email I would ever send her. She lost it and freaked out. The same woman who moved out two weeks ago and wants a D is afraid she'll never get another email from me for the rest of her life. Don't mind the fact that we have a S together and two stepkids from her first marriage that I am more-or-less Dad to... how exactly I'd never email her again is beyond me. But it made sense to her...

To also quote someone else on the boards...

"WAWs are fun"

Good luck. If you ever catch a Brewers game let me know.. maybe MR MR, you, and I can commiserate.