When it's a one-way street...part 3

[sandi2]

Yet I've read on one of your posts recently that you said you would be devastated without him now.

How do you get to that point without your H changing??? How do get there from here?

You know, it's kind of funny, but I've seen other women who would put up with things from their H's that I would never even consider putting up with. On the other hand, I've been told by a couple of women that they couldn't put up with my H!

As you know, my road was very long and I sure didn't win any blue ribbons at the speed I traveled. Since my H would not consider going to anyone for counseling, then the board was my counseling session, which could be rough at times. I had some good folks to help me, and then I had some I could have done without. Sometimes I wanted to scream at them and tell them those things they were suggesting would not work with my H! They did not understand my situation. I guess I kind of felt like you talking about using the square peg for a round hole.

Our H's may be different, and our stitch may be different, but I see that we share similar feelings. I came here as a last resort, and maybe you did too. I think you said it right when you wrote this in your first thread:

trying to decide if there really is any hope afterall, trying to decide if I really care if there is.

That's a pretty good description of how I felt, also. I was such a mess that I don't think I even knew what I was looking for here on the DB board. Like you, I felt I had already tried everything I knew to do to have a better MR.....years ago. So, I think it's safe to say I was searching for somebody who could say something to make me care.

IDK, maybe I wanted to be told it was okay to run off with OM. Even after I decided to stay in my M, it would make me mad for some LBS to defend my H (lol) when they didn't even know him! And besides, I think I wanted somebody to see what all I had done that was right and what he did that was wrong. You know that show "Everybody Loves Raymond"? That was how it was with my H! Everyone loves him and he's always the good guy and I'm the bad one. So, over the years I really resented that. I had to be the bad guys with our kids b/c he would not discipline them! No matter what the circumstance, he came out smelling like a rose and I came out smelling like poop!

So, I kept on trying to explain to people around here how hard it was living with him and nobody took me seriously! At least, that's how I felt at the time.

You came here looking for solutions, and steps, and workable plans. And, like me....you keep trying to explain how things really are with your H.

So, I'm looking at your questions to me and wondering how I can give you a solid, satisfying answer. "How do you get there from here?" Here's how I had to think at the time back then. It's not exactly how I think now, and if I forget to come back and explain, let me know.

I had to realize he would never be better. He was nearing retirement and he would never climb the "success ladder" any higher. He would never please me in how he kept the back yard, and he would continue to bring junk home to add to his other junk. He would always take all day to think about what he was going to do that day. He would never be the great handyman like my neighbor. He would not measure up in to my father, in my eyes. He would never open open up and talk to me the way I wanted him to, b/c he didn't know how. Neither would he give me the emotional intimacy I wanted b/c he apparently didn't know how to do that either. In other words, he would never change! I really didn't have any hope in him making any kind of change.

Like it or not, it was something I had to decide if I would live the rest of my life with those conditions, or leave. It was not an easy task. It was like you said:

I don't want all the ramifications of a D.

I felt there were other things at stake, just as you do. I know this is getting long, so I won't go into all that. I was trying to find enough reasons to stay in the M. Could I find more reasons to stay than leave? Doesn't work that way. But before I could much of anything, I had to make that decision. Once I did, then I was just here ...no more no less....just a body that was here. So much healing had to take place. And, I'm talking about healing for me! I can only imagine how much for my H, since I was the one who betrayed his trust.

The healing road was rough. It didn't come easy and it wasn't short. I was so "done" with everything that I could hardly get out of bed every day. Part of that was my physical condition (which I won't get off into, but you may have read about it) but most of it was my mental attitude. In the past, my H had used those two words to me so much, I hated it with a passion! However, I didn't have the right attitude and didn't know how to change it. Let me say that dfferently. I didn't want to change it bad enough. I prayed all the time that God would help me. He did, but it didn't come in the time or the way I wanted.

Ever so slowly, as I began reading from the LBH's, I began to understand my own H a little better. And since he didn't know how to reveal that to me, it helped to read it from others. I began to see how I must have been seen in his eyes for a long time.

The place that may be different for you and me is that I had to reach a place where I felt humility. I think I had put myself up on such a high pedestal that my H didn't stand much chance in rising up to meet me on my level. You would have thought that after I strayed, I'd have fallen off that high pedestal, but I didn't. In face CV, I had to actually pray that I would feel bad about what I had done, instead of feeling justified. When the shame begin to hit, well it nearly killed me. Forgiving myself has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Strange, I've never doubted my H's forgiveness,but I've wondered if I really forgiven myself.

My lesson here, I hope, is it finally came to me that if my H could forgive what I had done, then why couldn't I forgive him? If he could give me his trust again, then why would I hold on to all that resentment I had against him?

Oh yes, it took a long time before I let go of everything. But, I discovered that my resentment had turned to bitterness and some other bad names, and it was making me a prisoner. I didn't know if I'd ever be happy in my M or not, but I knew for sure I'd never be happy with all that cr@p in my heart.

I remember telling my H that I hadn't set out to hurt him when I met the OM and had an EA. But I think it was about two years before I could bring myself to tell him I was sorry. Don't you know that our M never stood a chance as long as I danced around trying to avoid that?

My H really is a good man! He has the best heart of any person I have known. My problem was that he didn't do like I wanted. Maybe I had good reason to feel like I did toward a lot of things, but what I've learned about M, is that most of it is forgiving. Some people say they "overlook" the faults of their S's, but that's just a word for forgiveness. I doubt a day goes by that my H doesn't forgive me for somelittle offense. After all, I'm not perfect. I hope not, but I'm sure there are many. I have learned that if we forgive the smaller offenses as we go...then the larger ones are not quite as hard as it would be otherwise.

To sum this up (and I know you're glad-ha), we don't forgive b/c they deserve it. Your H doesn't deserve your forgiveness! He may not ever be able to make up for what he's done. He probably won't try. Forgiveness is a choice. I hope that doesn't set wrong with you. B/c I really hope you can get this. He doesn't deserve it nor can he earn it, only you can give it to him. When you are able to do that, then it frees the resentment and all the other things that were eating you up.

As I see it, a M has to have forgiveness and acceptance to survive. Most people think it's love! Here's the thing, the loving feelings will come after those other feelings have left. Forgiving and accepting him will be the key to finding those feelings you thought were long gone. I'm not saying you should accept his bad behavior, or bad treatment of you, so don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say. Sometimes I've had people to take that as me saying they should be a meek mouse, or doormat type, but I would never suggest sucking it up to a S who continues to show the same bad behavior over & over again. For me, I had to accept the fact that my H would never be or do like all those things I mentioned back in the beginning of this long post, and more. That's the accepting part. That is what has been a big step for me. I believe in a gal being spunky, but I had carried it to a whole new level.

I hope this didn't sound mushy-gushy, but that's what it took for me to get from there to here without my H changing. I will admit that he responds to me a lot better these days. Maybe it's due to my mental attitude, IDK. But at least he doesn't bring it up any more.

And, yes I would be totally devastated if anything bad happened to him. I love him with all my heart. There was a time I didn't know if I could ever say that again.

I feel that I have left a lot out that I meant to say, but this post is pages too long. I want you to know that if I had been told what I just told you.....I doubt it would have been welcomed. Reason being, mostly b/c it took so long before I was receptive to it. Also, I felt there had to be so much "more" and what were the steps, etc. For me, it was not so simple, but it worked.

((CV))