"It just seems that anyone and everyone is more valued/fun/entertaining/lovable/important/etc. than me."
THIS is what is about being raised in a hypercritical manner.
And, just because you don't punch walls doesn't mean being imperfect has less severe effects on you.
Perfectionist tendencies are all about feelings of inadequacy, trying to be good enough, ensuring that neither you nor any significant other will be good enough. THIS is what to change for your own sake, which may or may not help your M.
Right now you can't tell if:
(1) Your H believes "anyone and everyone is more valued/fun/entertaining/lovable/important/etc. than me."
or (2) YOU believe that and project it on others.
or (3) a combination of (1) and (2)
But, if it were just coming from H and not from you, you'd not have put up with it for so long. People who haven't previously internalized such thoughts themselves don't stay in R's that lead them to feel that way.
So, that leaves (2) or (3), and until you stop hurting yourself with your perfectionism, you can't tell which.
BTW, you seem to have odd views about forgiveness.
We forgive others for trespassing against us, for doing something wrong. So, forgiveness means that the other person did something WRONG, not that what they did was acceptable. Forgiveness is in no way an endorsement of objectionable behavior. Forgiveness involves moving forward, it does not involve moving forward blindly. Forgiveness is not weak, but comes from a place of personal strength and compassion.
But you seem to feel that holding onto bitterness, anger, and disdain is the only thing to do without saying "it's ok to treat me like crap."
Very hard, stuck, dark place. It's ok to let go of those feelings without giving the mistreatment a thumbs up. It is very important to get that.
