11th Hour of Divorce & Trial: What Else Can I Do?

[Yasu]

I have not worked since 2000. I have been on full psychological disability ( both private and social security). The arghoraphbia gets better and gets worse, depending on circumstances. Indeed, I spend too much time alone, avoid media now. Seems always adding a little something to it.

There are a few doors opening where I feel ok to try being around people again. Such as in the front yard he at the neighborhood, after they all were so nice to clean up the leaves from the yard, I don't feel so ashamed of my curcumstances.

When I talk to people, sometimes I stutter, or get confussed, or get excited and talk too much. I really should start back to church again. That was working out well. I was even-out with medication then.

But now, the dose is higher, and that hurts my confidence. Also, I'm afraid Doctor will have to increase anti-depressants, once I tell him of my daytime sleeping escape that I've started recently. I'm just in a bad fix right now. I clearly understand what Mr. Bond, Rick64, Rick68, 25, and Labug and others have told me. I recently had put my eggs in the MLC basket (which gave me some natural hope), but hope and husband that is not "here" is irrevant to my recovery. I totally got that.

The other lesson I learned this week was it does not matter what Husband does (surveillance, games with money, stalling out divorce process while throwing out intimating threats about trial, etc.). None of it matters a flip - as any interpretation is called "mindreading." Removing this mental analysis from
my daily activities is not unlike taking away another pacifer from me. But I know it is a heathy direction. And it feels like a loss, just as it did when I no longer could anaylize the phone records. Getting my hands off his phone records really cut down on that dimension of obsessing.

I am not going to do anymore Mindreading. I am not going to inssentantly ask "what does this mean, what does this mean, what does this mean?"

When I feel more confident with the medications and my "affect" and have permission from doctor, I am going to find somewhere to volunteer. I did that at the church one summer, creating the huge bulletin boards for the different grade levels - but I needed help with my Stephen's Minister when it came down to getting the job down. She really enjoyed it, and learned a lot and soon after she was able to get a much needed job in that department of the Church. Might have been a good thing I included her - as it was a much bigger project than I thought! I remember it being fun.

I think I would do well volunteering with the elderly - doing arts and crafts, crazy dancing, that kind of thing. I like the elderly because they never raise their eyebrows about the colors in my hair, and they smile a lot a me. I have access too. The girl who does my hair works with elderly hair styles, and just bout a shop on the premises of a nursing home. I could do free photography at their dances, I'm sure all sorts of things whilst promoting my friendgirl's business.

My book idea is a way to put my hand back into my profession again. I am going to need an associate to handle some contacts that are political in nature, as I know fir sure I will screw that up. Anyway, I have found the contact, now it is just a matter to get her to agree - I think mostly she is in shock that I asked her and value her input as a contributor. She said she experience editing, and I reminded that she knew the artist personally throughout his lifetime, and has
sold his work, and knows more about him than I do, plus she has the credentials of an art appraiser. We are becoming long distance friends. It would be an edited compilation anyway, I certainly hope she willagree to co-author.

So these were GAL I was seriouly contemplating not less than a month ago. And now, I'm a bowl of jelly.

But I do know WHY know I should not concern myself with certain things. I got that. And, I have dropped the rope before, and can do it again.

So, your questions: no, I am not employed, by doctor's orders. But I do have an income.

Am I in treatment: Yes, yes and yes (Psychologist, Ph.D.& Psychiatriast M.D., and Phyiscian M.D., all working as a team).

Yes, I follow instructions.

Yes, I am all over the place. I have made some medication mistakes over the last few weeks that I'm sure show up in the history of the text herein. Also, I feel I am spinning, and I am overwhelmed with paperwork matters that I need to attend to. I will also have to discull uping depression med with doctor tomorrow, as I do feel extremely depressed after the recent go rounds and hopes and disappointments, which purely were brought on by myself, and how I chose to handle the fires that started. My protocol will be quite different in the future. I am quickly losing all faith in any possibility of my marriage succeeding after this much time - and this is where I should keep my mindsetso I have time to think about myself. Easier said than done - but has to be done.