if there is any positive in this.. it's that she initiated the talk.. and she is voicing what she thinks she needs. which seems like more than she has done in a while.
It's almost always her that initiates the talks. It's like a boiler that needs to blow off steam every now and then. She just called me a few minutes ago from work. She was at a loss for words and I knew she was trying to get something out. I asked if I could take a stab at what she was trying to say. I said "you are at a complete loss for answers for yourself and then our M and family, and when we discuss things, the pressure makes you say things you don't necessarily mean or feel". She said yes, that's exactly it. Then she said my mind, heart and passion intimidate the hell out of her bacuse she feels so unstable in her entire being. Once she found a voice she said her life has been like she's a seed in an acorn, that's just beginning to sprout, and then I have this super strong confidence that to her is like a hurricane wind. I know she feels that way and that's why I have backed off for a year, and let her initiate these conversations. She's got to make it on her own. I still can't see how she can do that here without all the collateral damage.
it takes a lot of courage to continue on this journey. i imagine it's scary. however.. we still don't know the outcome of this story.
I agree with you that it's scary and yeah, the outcome isn't written yet. Sometimes it pays to bend with the wind, but other times you have to make things happen despite the fear. That's what this is all about for me, really for her mostly.
by letting her go.. i don't think that means you are giving up on your M or your family. it's a very loving gesture to give her the space she feels she needs. in this past year, you have done a lot of work on yourself and changed for the better. you were able to do this in the face of adversity while continuing to provide for your family and being a solid foundation for your kids. unfortunately.. your wife wasn't able to do this. it doesn't mean she's a bad person. she's simply reacting differently (diversity is one of the beauties in human nature).
I would never say she is a bad person. I love her soul to the core. She is very troubled and lost. Without it being the intention of either of us she latched onto me in a father figure type way. I was the first stability she ever had, and then she had the distraction of having the 3 boys and a home, which she focused on and really excluded all else. She did this without me really knowing the extent of it because unlike me, she can give off a very convincing facade while very troubled underneath. We all saw the demons in various forms through the years, kids included. These demons were lurking in her since her toddler years where she was horribly molested again and again, and lost her foundation when her dad died. That's why she was diagnosed with the arrested development at age 8. And she lived a truly disastrous life until she and I hooked up. I always knew she had problems because I felt them firsthand, but never knew about this type of stuff, nor how it could explode in later years. Hell, she didn't either.
maybe being on her own will help.. maybe not. but it's not your decision to make. you have been accountable for your choices and actions, it's now her opportunity to be accountable for hers.
Yeah. I keep thinking maybe she will find answers, confidence, and a sense of self. Maybe she will even become happy, then maybe she can look back to us. Maybe never. And I can't say where I'll be by then. I know I'll alway be a Dad and a good one no matter where I am. And if I find love in a R on my level with someone else I can't say that I wouldn't always love her. I did share my soul with her after all. But I think people can move on to a better love R that's a match at the same level. I'd be bringing a history but not necessarily baggage as most define it as a negative. I realize I'm getting way ahead of myself on that topic but after a year I think I at least need to consider it.
we seem to be in parallel relationships. i see a lot of my H in your W. i think the big dynamic that really differs though is that my kids are very little and so they are much needier and H can feel that. your kids are older.. and independent. your W may feel they just don't need her like they use to (which is obviously not true given S13's reactions).
You're spot on on these comments. And yes while eerily parallel, the age differences of the kids is a huge difference. That may help you and I pray that issue comes up in your Retroville thing. But be careful. My Mom and Dad split when my brother and I were little (you know my Vietnam story). I still to this day can't believe they did it. It's one reason why I get so defensive for you, and the others on this board with wee ones.
it really suxx. but we're here with you.
Your gentle and wise wisdom is once again just what I needed. Your kids are sooo amazingly lucky to have you. I'm glad as can be that I know you despite the crappy way we got here
