Hi, and welcome. You will get great support here as long as you post as often as you can.

My heart goes out to you and your W. I'm no professional either, but based on what you've said about your W, it seems like she really loves having sex with you, but whenever she allows herself to enjoy it....the shame factor quickly follows. It's like she shouldn't enjoy sex b/c that means she's bad. She feels shame that she didn't try harder to stop the incest. IDK, but I think that may have a lot to do with her having a wall between you and for acting cold the next day.

Seems to me that a therapist would need to council with her and with you.

Quote:

And that is what worries me about DB's 180s is that it seems like it will be an opportunity for her to withdraw even further. Sometimes when I practice 180s I feel like I'm being too cold to her. Anybody else feel this way?
Thanks.


I think the majority of newcomers are leery of the 180's. So, you're not alone. Here's the main thing you need to understand about applying 180's, and that is you are not to behave in a cold manner toward your W. A lot of men have trouble understanding that "detachment" does not mean you ignore her, or shut her completely out, or act like you're mad or moody. That is not what detachment is about.

Detaching is pulling back. Stop contacting her as much as you use to do. Don 't smother her by wanting to know every move she makes. Don't hang over her when at home together.

Listen, your heart will not detach, but your actions can. LBH's are always concerned about the W thinking he's being cold. Don't worry about that. If you act nicely while stepping back....she won't think you're cold. You will be surprised how your pulling back...will actually draw her in.

A lot of what you are feeling is fear. Don't let that control you. Trust the principles that DR teaches.

It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!