DB'ing is sooooo hard (part 5)

[2thepoint]

"I have replayed the many posts to me from the team over and over again, and one thing I keep hearing is that I should stand for my M, and then I wonder what does standing for it exactly mean? Does that mean I let this continue because she needs support and we all go down? Can't I, with good moral backing, let her go out into the world and find her path as a parent sometimes has to do for a troubled kid? Isn't me taking control of my life, protecting my kids, giving her the chance to grow albiet by letting her go, actually standing for what is right?"

I think the answer lies in the last question in your paragraph above. Standing for your M doesn't mean ignoring the elephant in the room. You need to deal with this differently than you have been. What you have been doing hasn't worked, so now it is time to do something different.

I remember when the bomb first dropped, my first instinct was to take her at her word, that she didn't want a M or family and we would never have it again..... In the end I do think it would have been wiser to just take her at her word. Okay go, and we'll see what happens. That might have forced breakthroughs that didn't happen in this environment.

I agree with this ^^^. Sometimes people have to hit bottom or at least face their demons head on in order to find themselves, breakthrough to the other side. What is on the other side is unknown but there is another side. So you've tried one approach and it really hasn't worked out. Now it is time for plan B. Nothing wrong with that. And you may still ultimately get what you want out of this, albeit via a different path.

I'm thinking I have to take this in steps. Let her go, regroup, repair the finances, the house. Get used to it all.

Rick, based upon everything you have shared about your sitch over the months has lead me to believe that your W needs to be set free. She needs to find herself and you need some space yourself to heal from this nightmare you and your family have endured. I know it is extremely painful to arrive at this decision point, but I think you knew it was coming, eventually.

And, setting her free will also force the issue to a head and either way, whatever the outcome, there will be light and peace and movement towards a better place.

"Maybe I will re-evalute then, and see if I need to take legal steps, and that gives her a cuople of months where the Rick train has moved on."

I've suggested that if doable, you help your W get set up with different living arrangements outside of your home. She doesn't seem to be capable of keeping herself together much less the family. So, from my perspective she is better off working on herself, by herself and whatever professional help she needs. But you need to be the rock for the family at this time because she can't do it.

And by the way, what are you doing to keep yourself healthy? Stress is not good for anyone, it will eat you from the inside out. Please take care of yourself.

Hang in there, Rick. We're here for you man!