Update. Friday afternoon, she brought up the counselor. As I guessed, we heard entirely two different things, and i somehow manipulated the counselor. It was bizarre, but in any event, her point in bringing it us was that no matter what "we're going to tell them tomorrow night" I asked her to reconsider but no chance. I said we're just not ready.
Then yesterday, I offered up a compromise. Let's wait just a few weeks, we'll review the plan (made up from ideas of web sites she sent to me) and we'll refocus our efforts on just those items that we need to have a proper answer for the kids. Other than the delay in time, she seemed open it.
But then a few hours later, after dinner, she came down, turned the TV off, and told them. I just sat there with one of the kids in my arms, the other two in hers, while they cried their eyes out and begged her not to do it. I was in stunned silence, just telling them that I love them. Seeing that on their face is quite surely the worst thing I've ever seen in my life.
In addition, a couple of things from yesterday are blowing my mind. (Not just seeing the pain the kids went through in telling them about the divorce.) She has so much pain and hurt inside and always reminds me in some fashion that it is all my fault. First, in one of our earlier conversations yesterday, I told her that I looked forward to seeing the girl that she's trying to find, the one that I fell in love with, that one that was going to Stanford all those years ago. She said I'll never get to becuase I hurt that girl.
Then last night after the kids are in bed, she asked me if I was pissed that the kids weren't on the floor blubbering. I tried to talk with her about it but she said she was right about the timing and I was wrong. She has a way of just sticking it to me that hurts my heart so badly.
I can't believe that spending the last 25 years loving her the way I do, and especially the last 5 so dedicated to trying to be a better husband, and better father that somehow instead all i was doing was hurting her. Now it seems she cant help herself but to hurt me back. And that her hurt is so great that hurting the kids in her wake is ok also. I had no idea the depth of her pain, I've trying so hard to love her, be there for her, and help her any way that I could. But instead I hurt her so badly that she says these horrible things to hurt me. I don't want to ever hurt anyone that way again, it apparently happening under my nose without ever knowing it. I really thought we were happy, but with normal arguments and fights. It is all just so crazy.
