I am very sad today, the saddest I've ever felt. What was a possible outcome for me has to be made real. I have to let her go sink or swim, protect the family, protect me. I hear my boys and "daughter" in the house going about their day and realize what a shitt bomb they are getting dealt, but know that the current reality is far worse if nothing is done. I vowed to love this woman forever, and to give my boys the family I never had, and I vowed that if things got tough I would never stop until I'm dead to make it work. Sadly, if a change isn't made what's on life support will truly do permanent damage, beyond what horror has been visited on this family.
I listened to her last night for three hours. This morning when I left for yoga, she was out walking so I purposely took a route where I would not see her. Ironically, she was on the road I was on so I stopped and we spoke some more. Some points:
- I don't think she can make it out of the place she's in unless she is on her own. She needs to find out who and what she is, and grow up and get some adult skills. This past year has been nothing but a nightmarish purgatory on the home front and I really don't see any gains for her, never mind our M. In fact, in some ways I see her going backwards.
- she says she has driven everyone away from her and she expects to be alone, that she has alienated her kids, me, her Mom (who is moving out because of it). She says she can see how difficult it's going to be when things come up in the future like kid's weddings, grandkids, etc. However, she does not believe in any of the points I made to her last night about the positives, and a way to build a new M (see a few posts back), doesn't believe in those principles for us or anyone.
- she said today and has said before that she was never herself for many years, did not know who or what she was and went on autopilot but truly was not part of it, nor could manage to speak of it because of her communication hangups. That fact doesn't nake me feel all warm and fuzzy about our past, that she was zombiefied for years.
- investment companies say past performance is no indicator of future success. DB'ing says don't believe what you hear, and half of what you see. I do belive what I've seen and heard for the last year, and i do believe it does point towards future success or lack of it.
- I need to protect my kids. This has killed them all, and is making their lives horrible. My S13 was pretty upset this summer and started to act out viscously and aggresively. Every night I would take him for these long walk through the countryside and we would talk about it, and I would share with him how I suffered the same fate at a close age to his. I was able to get him back on track. Where was his Mom during this? Out f'ing around with her new lifestyle.
- I need to protect my finances. She's a walking deficit machine. She's never had any experience other than spending. I've offered throughout our whole M to teach her and she's never gotten it or worked with it. She's going to get a rude awakening because I intend to split it all up and she sinks or swims on her own. I still have two kids in college and one to go. I support them, her, her MIL, my "daughter". It's a huge burden. She does have a career now that the kids are older so she has an income, and she has contributed to the family finances but then negates it all with fiscal insanity.
- I have to redo the house back to some sense of normality. When she was home she would do some of the stuff the house required, but that all stopped a long time ago. Some times I feel like I'm living in that house in Fight Club. And she has taken on a Howard Hughes type existance, so although I have help from the kids, her crisis keeps bringing things back down in the state of the house. If I need to sell it once she's gone then i need to get it ready, and can't have a financial black hole preventing it.
- I have replayed the many posts to me from the team over and over again, and one thing I keep hearing is that I should stand for my M, and then I wonder what does standing for it exactly mean? Does that mean I let this continue because she needs support and we all go down? Can't I, with good moral backing, let her go out into the world and find her path as a parent sometimes has to do for a troubled kid? Isn't me taking control of my life, protecting my kids, giving her the chance to grow albiet by letting her go, actually standing for what is right?
I remember when the bomb first dropped, my first instinct was to take her at her word, that she didn't want a M or family and we would never have it again. I ended up, based on both fear, and on everything I was seeing in her, and what I believed about how families help each other that we could work together to get through this, and there would be a safe haven for her to work through her breakdown. In the end I do think it would have been wiser to just take her at her word. Okay go, and we'll see what happens. That might have forced breakthroughs that didn't happen in this environment.
I'm thinking I have to take this in steps. Let her go, regroup, repair the finances, the house. Get used to it all.
There's this three day period in May when I have our anniversary, my S21 b-day and mine. Last year she managed to forget them all, or not acknowledge any of it. My S21 was crushed because it was his 21st after all. It was truly awful to see what state she was in and how what once was the mother of all time had changed.
Maybe I will re-evalute then, and see if I need to take legal steps, and that gives her a cuople of months where the Rick train has moved on.
I'm sharing with you guys the biggest, scariest decision I have ever made. You guys know more about me in this than my own family or closest friends. I appreciate good, honest feedback, whether you agree or not.
