Denial....its not just a river in Egypt...

[verycrazy]

Wow, itm, could he have been more dense? Not to rush right over when he finds out his S is doing something like that. That sort of thing should come before anything he finds more important. I hate to say it, but if this is the way he acts whenever there is a true emergency, and can't seem to be there to parent his S, then maybe a change of place might be in order. Maybe it will open STBXH's eyes; let him see how unimportant he himself has made their father/son relationship. What about S28, though? How would it affect him being able to be there for S15?

And good for you, telling S like it is if he comes in like that again. Don't need him getting into substance abuse. We have friends whose S is taking oxycontin, the mother has her own prescription drug problem, and the father has his head in the sand. Good for you wanting to nip it in the bud.

Do you often get to visit your mother in Foley? Was she from here, or moved here from elsewhere? I ask, because my mother was born and raised in Ohio, but once she and my father moved back here, she took to southern living like she was born here. And she could cook as good as any southern church lady. You would be close enough to get fresh Gulf seafood whenever you wanted. Or fish for it yourself off the State Park pier. And I would be jealous.

vc

[imthemom]

I am at a loss VC...I know there is nothing I can do to make him step up and be a father to his only son, but watching my S15 suffer the way he is, its tareing me up!!.. When we went fishing yesterday S15 and I had a lot of time to talk and he openly admitted that he did it to get his Ds attention..and then said "i guess he doesnt care what I do"....even after his D told him about his gf and S15 is still saying he just wants his D to come home. The other night we were sitting on his bed talking about school and my phone was going off in the kitchen, I ignored it and he said "what if its D wanting to say he is sorry and wants to come back?"..I was speechless...

I am so freaken angry!!!....what kind of a person can do this to his son?????....time after time I have spoken to him and let him know how this is effecting our son and he keeps making promises and saying he knows he needs to step up and then EVERY time he gets a chance to make it right with his son he just blatantly turns his head and doesnt even care!!!!!

He FINALLY, after 24 hrs...sent me a text last night saying please have S15 call me...i responded with "you should have called last night"...his response was "yeah, i probabley should have".......PROBABLEY???????!!!!!! PROBABLEY?????!!!!!!
omg i could just scream...my last response was this...You, a person with a history of substance abuse, think you "probabley" should have called when you hear that your 15 yr old son has done drugs for the first time....you really should think through that...

I am truly on my own with this parenting thing, and I am now beginning to think he is doing our S15 a huge favor. His example of what a man should be is not one I wish my S to have...
part of me wishes he would stop with all the last gasp efforts and just go away, let him get over it and move on. I have other men (brothers, S28, friends) who would be more then happy to step up and fill his shoes...there not that big anyways....

[imthemom]

oh vc...my mom retired from Kaiser about 15 yrs ago and moved there to be close to her brother...she loves it and has been very happy.
I am not terribly close to my mother but would love the chance to change that...a move is looking really good right now.

[verycrazy]

I guess it just show he is so deep into his MLC or whatever it is, that he just can't seem to budge out of it enough to deal with real life. Poor S has such hope, even now, after all that has happened. I mean, things could turn around, worse cases have been fixed. But, it seems so hurtful for him to not make it any easier for S to bear at all. And for S to say his experimentation with drugs was to get his F's attention is saddest of all. Will you be talking to his C about it?

It would be great to get closer to your mother. My mother and I got closer a few years before she had a stroke, and I am so glad we did, because we hadn't been close since I was really little. She got to where she would call me to find out about the rest of my sisters, and we bonded over (of all things) reality tv. Now that she is in the condition she is, I am really glad we had those few years.

I hope things with your s will get better soon, he is running on his 15 year old emotions now.

vc

[imthemom]

S15 had a complete melt down today when we got home....he is so confused about this whole thing and just screaming for his Ds attention...but taking it out on me and it just got totally out of hand.
I ended up calling his D and telling him to get over here and talk to your son!!!!!...he still had not talked to him since he came home loaded!!...wth???? I have to call you and yell at you like your a child to come and deal with your mess??
S15 refused to talk to him so after they both sat there and stared at each other for an hour I told them to go for a ride, they were being ridiculouse..(i said that) and STBXH, you are an adult, S15 you are 15 yrs old...TALK TO EACH OTHER!!!!!
they are not back yet, and I dont know how this will turn out but I feel like I am dealing with a total stranger...
My L called today and STBXH is lawyered up and I mean with a big wig child support advocate that is bringing up the fact that I only work 6 hrs a day and I could work more....really...Im raising his son on my own with no help from him, his son is falling apart and I should just be gone more now....this is not going to be a simple divorce anymore...he is going for my throat. and really? Im not the one that did anything....but hes treating me like Im this horrible person who screwed him over and not he resents ME....

[verycrazy]

Hey, itm, I hope he can act like a man should and take care of his responsibilities with S.

What sort of L is yours? Is he ready for whatever H's L throws at y'all? And it doesn't matter, he's gonna pay child support. And so what if you work 6 hrs a day? It's enough. It's 30 hrs a week. What does he want? And your S will most likely live with you, anyway. Maybe he is hoping you will just cave in and not get all that you should have coming to you and S.

Let me ask you something: did your H spend a lot of money on ow? If so, it's misappropriation, and you are owed 50% of that money. At least I read that although Calif is a no fault state, that things like that can affect what you get. I think you should get whatever your L can get for you, and don't be too proud to take it, because it's not just for you. You can put it into S' college fund.

I will be waiting to hear how things went tonight between S and H.

[too trusting]

wow, itm, he has money for a fancy L, but not for his own son? shows you what you are up against.

but - keep up your courage, and keep doing the right thing. as time goes on, S15 will always know who was there for him, and who wasn't. (just so sad that it's not both parents there for him - but at least S15 has you, and his brothers.)

and know that you have friends here. I wish we could do more besides sitting here in the "peanut gallery", but in the meantime, just know that your friends here are cheering for you and hoping that your L will put his L in place, and that the judge will be able to recognize the situation for what it really is. not the way STBXH's L is portraying.

[imthemom]

S15 was happy when they got back, he felt like he finally got his D to come over and talk to him, but he said he still felt like he just gave him a lot of excuses. He doesnt care, he just wants his D, any way he can get him. We talked in kitchen for a minute and he told me that S15 told him he smoked pot to get a reaction from him....I asked why he hadnt called or come over to speak to S15 till now and he got angry and said he didnt know what to say to him and was shocked so he just didnt....I said so I guess I was just on my own with that? I was shocked to and wasnt sure what to say but someone had to handle it...he then got all defensive and said he couldnt talk to me and that he never could and THATS why we arent married anymore...always attacking me...It hurt my feelings so bad, I go out of my way to try to get him to fix his relationship with S15 and Im the bad guy...he said hes sick of me trying to make him handle things the way I think they should be handled?????
S15 said while they were talking his D told him that his gf was nervouse about meeting him....in the middle of all this, with everything that is going on with S15, he brings up the gf ....like S15 needs to deal with that right now to. I couldnt believe it. Always thinking of himself, he really had no clue why S15 was upset with him. and didnt want to discuss what was being done about it or how WE should handle it. before he walked out he said "Im going to say goodby to MY son"...like IM not his parent, im not the one here everyday dealing with everything while he goes months with no contact, and the only reason he was here talking to him now was because I called him and said get over here and talk to your son.....Im so sick of it all. Its so sad to watch S15 settle for what ever he can get, like a little 5 yr old who just wants his daddy.

I have no way of knowing what money he has spent on her...I just know he makes 5 times the amount I make a year. and says he has no money. He constantely tells S15 he has no money to get him anything he asks him for. He filed bankruptcy and has no car payment so he has no debt and gives me pocket change every week, so he is living quite well. I will not be caving in this time..I made him an offer before that was substancially lower then what the state required and he refused it after telling me it was fine. so im done with that, just nervouse about what his L will try to do. He saw S15 for a total of 11 hours last month...how he can justify not financially supporting him is beyond me. He says he works to much to have parenting time (thats exactley what his L said) but doesnt want to pay the full required support....
its like talking to a irrational crazy person...how does he not hear how crazy that sounds???
My L is good but she is younge and only been in practice for a couple of years, his has been in practice for 12 yrs and sounds like a big gun..I havent talked to my L yet, just got an email from her and we are waiting for the proposal they are sending to us to go over. I feel like he is punishing me for something but cant figure out what, he wanted a D, i guess he just wanted me to roll over and play dead and is mad that I wont but he knows me and should not be surprised that Im not. but if feels like he has me down and just wants to keep kicking me...what is that all about? I have said what can i do to make this work better between us and he just says I dont want it to be this way but then attacks me???????? I give up...

[ptcr]

imthemom, I am so sorry that you are dealing with S15 and his choices to get attention from his D and soothe himself. That is what my IC calls it...soothing himself. And she sees S16 also. She also said my H was soothing himself with the OW and it has nothing to do with me...which I do know but it doesn't make it any easier.

I, like you, CANNOT believe these men walk away from their sons. Mine lives 1/2 mile from us and my S18 (at college) keeps saying "What is D doing across town?" when he hears he misses S16 hockey games, etc...it is sooooo sad.

My L told me it was MY choice to work and that was not something that my H could dictate. I was working part time at 5 hours a day and quit my job when H left because he left me to take care of everything....every single thing....including a S16 with known issues.

BTW...talking in the car has been one of our favorite places to discuss items that make anyone uncomfortable. You aren't facing each other! LOL!!!! IC said it was good, talking is good, talking in car good!!!! I hope that their conversation went well. Bless his sweet heart. My son said to me the other day when his D was texting him and wanting to meet him for dinner or ice cream and he was making excuses about no, no, no that he was "waiting for D to hit rock bottom and come home." It breaks my heart....these sweet sensitive creatures.

[mishka422]

ITM, your H is putting the blame on you because he doesn't want to face what he has done and continues to do. He doesn't face critical situations because that would cause blow back on him. It's the classic run away and hide reactions of an alcoholic. Like you've said before, he's a dry drunk. He doesn't face situations head on, he buries his head in the sand and pretends they don't exist.

Sad for your son.

I do have to say though, one statement he made is very telling.

he said hes sick of me trying to make him handle things the way I think they should be handled?????

He has a point. It's not up to you to 'manage' their R. Yes, your S is hurting and yes he needs his dad but if his dad won't step up and be a man then all you can do is console him and be there for him. I understand you feel you need to involve stbxh in these situations but that is 'managing' to him apparently.

Next time there is an issue, as long as your son isn't bleeding or comatose, DON'T CALL HIM. It's only making you angrier and pushing stbxh into futher defensive mode.

Let him find out the hard way what his own actions are doing to his barely existent R with his son. It WILL come back to bite him in the a$$. As long as you are taking care of your son emotionally then just let stbxh spin in the wind.