Need to get it out....

[purgatory]

The problem with taking her out of the equation competly- and telling her she's welcome to participate when she chooses- is this leaves a lot of anxiety/confusion for you AND your S. kids need consistency and they function better when they can anticipate what's coming next. If she just floats in and out of your lives, both you and S are left to constantly wonder when the next time is coming. Although an adult can process through this, kid can't.

I saw so many behavior problems start to come out in my S6 when my H move out. He was always wondering when daddy was coming to see him, and he reacted poorly in school and at home b/c he didn't have any kind of consistency in his life (although I'm sure he didn't realize this.) That was wen I set the boundary for my H, that he had to plan ahead to come by the house- it gave me the ability to prepare S and to even say "no" of it wasn't a good time for me. We have now worked into a semi-regular schedule of visits. We have a set schedule that H is in charge of the boys on wednesday and Thursday every week plus every other weekend. He is more than welcome to come by on his 'days off', but he has to let me know in advance. Turns out that he takes full advantage of every chance he has with them- I think he's learning that he can't choose to leave the M but still get everything he wants in the house and kids... No cake eating here!

I too didn't want to place any restrictions on my H interacting with his kids (especially since he's leaving for a year to go to AFG.) I tried to let things just be casual and have him come around web he chose, but quickly saw that the inconsistency was too much to handle for me and the kids.

By setting a boundary, you're not taking away time with the kids- and you're allowing her to 'feel' like she's in control by choosing when to come around... But you are also protecting your S (and yourself) from the anxiety of the unknown visits. I think that if you put a stake in the ground about 1 or two things (her picking him up from school, or another scheduled visit during the week) and then give her the freedom to come around wen she's ready the rest of the time- under the 'rule' that he has to communicate her intentions in advance- it saves a lot of heartache. It also give you a little control in this out of control sitch. But most importantly- you are putting S's well being ahead of her and your needs- which is what we should always do as parents.


(I apologize of there are typos, I'm on my phone)