Informally separated from WAW, but DBing my best

[AlwaysTrying]

Dinner was a success/disaster. I succeeded in bringing people closer to me. My wife, D15, and two family friends probably would not have been over for dinner if I was making mac&cheese.

I also made some pretty fantastic blunders. Kids were trying to kill each other as I was starting dinner, and diffusing the situation distracted me. I forgot to make the rice. Stir-fry... no rice. I'll try again next week.

Meanwhile, W was in the bedroom being by herself while I wrestled with the situation. At one point, I was tempted to call her and ask for help, then I remembered how good it feels to ask her for help and decided against it. Just as I felt I was getting things back under control with the kids, she came out and took S6 upstairs to read.

After dinner, W made a comment along the lines of "Isn't so easy, is it?" to me. I don't think I showed her how frustrated this made me. I just said that I know it's not easy and I never ever said anything different. I know it is hard to put dinner on the table without using the TV as a babysitter. I'm extremely angry about how we are short-changing our kids.

Her comment just seemed so out-of-touch to me.

So my new 180 is - I'm not going to tell her. I'm not going to email her, call her, or text her about it.

I've just spent 29 hours at the house, with my kids. It feels like home, for a short while. It's just one day out of the week I get to have that. I know other people have it worse, but getting to sleep Saturday night after leaving my home and coming to my little room just [censored].

It's a sinking feeling leaving that house, and it happens every time. And the sinking doesn't stop for hours and hours. I end up surfing youtube until 3AM because I don't know what else to do to make myself feel OK.

Not tonight. I felt the sink, but I'm going to just go to sleep and wake up in plenty of time for church for once.