WHG: And Alice goes down the rabbit hole...

[workinghardguy]

Just some journaling... things definitely don't occur with as much frequency or alacrity now that W has moved out. I was out of town all week for work. It made being dark a lot easier, I'll tell you that. W and I had precious few interactions. I called her on Tuesday so I could talk to the kids. She offered to talk at the end of the call, but I didn't really want to. I was out at dinner with friends so when she came back on the line I excused myself and hung up.

Wednesday she had only our S (SS and SD were with XH). I called my S in the evening and talked to him. This time she specifically asked to talk to me after I was done with S. So I waited and we talked a bit. She wanted to tell me S was very down and sad this week. He told his teacher, my mom, and my W that he doesn't like the divorce and it makes him very sad. W felt that my being out of town was the source of his sadness. I said that neither of us know... that I'm sure it's more impacting because I've been gone for a while now, but that it's also the second full week of living in two houses. The bloom is off the rose now and he doesn't appear to like it. I suggested we simply listen to him and what he's telling us and go from there. After the convo about S, W started telling me a little about her week. It's so easy to slip into that pattern. I told her about how I had run into a former co-worker that morning in the office of one of our senators (talk about a weird coincidence). She then told me about some gossip she'd heard about his wife... and that was when I realized I was falling back into old habits. So I quickly cut her off, told her I had to get back to dinner with Nicole and her friends and hung up. Nicole is a colleague from another part of the state.

Thursday morning I got a panicked text from my W asking if my mom could get SS and SD after school. XH and W had yet to figure out the "what happens to SS and SD after school" piece... oops. I debated for quite a while on this. After all my mom was already picking up my S after school, so it wouldn't be anything to get SS and SD, plus my mom loves them and misses them terribly. At the same time, is this how it works? You can't plan for your kids so you ask your STBX to do it? In the end I asked my mom if she would mind, she didn't, so my mom got them. I don't think I like how I resolved it. W did say thanks at least.

Then Friday was a bit humorous... at least to me. In the morning it occurred to me that W would need my mom to get SS and SD again after school. However, her messages the day before had been very specific about only Thursday... no mention of Friday. My first thought was to text her to see if she needed help. But then I stopped... not my job. Let her figure it out.

Sure enough... when I got home from travelling my mom tells me that she got a panicked phone call from my W at 3pm asking if my mom could pick up SS and SD and take them to my house until XH picked them up. SS and SD were pretty miffed that mom forgot about them... SS's words to my mom were, "I'm guessing mom forgot about us again?" According to my mom she replied that it's just going to take a little time for everyone to get used to their new roles... and for my W one of those roles is managing a family calendar (that's something I used to do).

Nothing really has changed much, though I know not to expect it. Like I said contact has been very minimal. I do know that W is very depressed based on the little bit of contact I've had and that some mutual friends have had. I'm worried for her, but largely powerless to affect it. One thing I have noticed is that W is now following my Facebook updates again. For a long time she had my feeds blocked to her news feed. I never quite understood why... I didn't do the "messages via quotes" thing or anything like that. But now any time I post something that's positive or that involves the kids she's one of the first to "like" it or comment. Just this morning some random lady in front at the drive-thru paid for my Starbucks (random act of kindness) and my W was the first to "like" my post.

So things are ok. I wish S was doing better. He's sad and hurting. I do miss my W, but at the same time like not coming home to the stress. Just tonight I caught myself looking at the clock and thinking, "crap, only three hours until she comes home"... then I realized she wasn't coming home. At that moment I felt this odd mix of grief/loss and relief.

Tomorrow is church for S and I. I told the church last week of my separation and received a lot of hugs and support. This morning was volunteer stuff with an award presentation for three of my cadets and our local Congressman. Other than that lying low trying to get my house and life back in order after being gone for a full week.