Where to next?

[kat727]

Listen, he has been gone and while you had some hard times, you did manage. The worst that he can do is leave and you know what you will be fine. The best case of course is that you are both in similiar frames of mind! Hon you have nothing to lose!

kat

[mishka422]

Ok. Convoy done. I asked him if he is here because he wants to be or because he has no other choice. He, of course, says he wants to be. I'm fairly certain he is being truthful. I did tell him that I'm on edge and concerned that I'm going to drive him away again and asked him to please give me fair warning if he is unhappy.

The other thing I asked him was what I am to him. He doesn't have an answer to that. He says 'we are fine'. That there doesn't need to be a label. That's true, but it still makes it hard to understand if I mean anything more to him than being a bed partner.

The other thing that came out in this discussion was that he has no intentions of ever taking our R any further. No commitments, no regrets. He said if I want more than that, he can't give it and to let him know if I want him out.

Now my job is to figure out if I can live with that the rest of my life.

In short......I'm still totally confused and living on the edge of disaster.

Great.

[MaMaMo]

he has no intentions of ever taking our R any further. No commitments, no regrets. He said if I want more than that, he can't give it and to let him know if I want him out.

He gave you his answer right there, Mishka422 he is there until he gets his act together.

My question to you is why are you letting him make life altering decisions for you, he has shown time and time again by his actions that he is not invested in a future with you that will be meaningful to you and make you happy and be fulfilling.


Is this how you really want to spend the rest of your life?
Waiting for the the other shoe to drop, he will be living in your house but living his own life until he meets someone new and then you will get the speech again.

Maybe he's depress, but at this time he does not want to change anything to make your relationship special or fulfilling the way you need it to be.

It's time for you to put on your big girl pants and make some choices that are right for you and your son.

[mishka422]

G, I do love him with all my heart and I think that is why this is so difficult. If it was as simple as me just being scared to go it entirely alone, I don't think this would feel so difficult. I still love him the way I always have. It was buried under anger and sadness for a long time but its all still there.

Getting a final answer from him telling me he loves me but won't ever make a commitment again was like a knife directly to my heart. I now know where he stands and I have to accept it or walk away from the man I love simply because he's not able to live me the way I want. That seems very wrong to me. How would walking away be any different than what he did? True, there is no op but giving up is giving up. I'm no quitter. I just need to change my way of thinking.

In my mind, if there is no verbal commitment there is nothing. Just because its spoken doesn't make it solid! Logically I know that but getting my heart in line with it is another subject.

Yes, this is going to mean always waiting for him to walk out the door but the other choice isn't acceptable to me.

Gees, this just doesn't get any better does it?

[antlers]

I can't imagine saying to someone that I love..."I love you but I'll never make a commitment to you again"...and mean it! And I doubt anybody else could say that to someone they 'love' and truly mean it.

[antlers]

Point being.....someone who says that, and means it, doesn't know what real love is! That sounds one sided. There has to be some reciprocity in real romantic love between two people. Otherwise, it's not healthy. If someone truly loves you, then they'll commit to you. And you certainly deserve commitment from a man who professes love for you.

[mishka422]

So antlers, are you saying just walk away from a R spanning 22 years because I am not getting what I want? That sounds pretty immature to me. I get this image in my head of stomping my feet and whining that "I'm taking my ball and going home unless you do this my way." How is that healthy?

So, I've said my peace. He knows how I feel. I now know how he feels. I have to accept it or tell him to move on. I'm not willing to give up the man I love even though he doesn't love me the way I would like.

So. I have to shut up, suck it up, and live with it.

Such is life.

[antlers]

Mish, I'm not telling you to pack it in. But what I said above is what I believe. If I get another chance...I'm all in. No wishy washy half-assed non-committal bullsh!t from me. How healthy is it to accept less than what you deserve? How healthy is it to constantly ache because he's not all in and wholly committed? You gotta do what you gotta do...I understand that. But it obviously hurts you to love him like you do while he doesn't love you that way back. It's gotta be hard to live that way...and to know its that way from now on.

[mishka422]

It's hard but its what I can have. I'll learn to adjust my thinking eventually.

It's going to be a difficult time.

[antlers]

"Be with someone who WANTS to be with you. Stop chasing anyone who doesn't."

One of the insightful people on this board wrote that. It's as right as rain. I keep going back to it anytime there's an uncertainty regarding a relationship. If you really wanted to be with someone...wouldn't you make time for them? Wouldn't you return their texts? Wouldn't you put forth the required effort? Wouldn't you commit?