When it's a one-way street...part 3

[sandi2]

Oh crud! I hit the submit button before I was through.

So anyway, I think I was saying that a wise WAW had painted a picture of what life would be like for my grandchildren seeing their grandparents D. I really resented it at first. I was tired of always having to live a certain way for the sake of others. I was tired of DBing telling me that I needed to change. Who was telling my H to change? Nobody!

Thing was......it was my choice. Nobody was forcing me.

I think you are very tired of being the one who has tried to save the M, and now some folks think you should still take responsibility of the M. You have been the one who has worked to have a healthy R with a man who apparently doesn't care to even treat you with common courtesy. I have been appalled at some things you've told about him doing, and I would tell myself that there's no way I'd put up with him. But, the point is....it's not my M, and he's not my H. It's not my life. It's your choice to put up with him. If you can't bear his unkindness, his bad manners, being inconsiderate, selfish, and all the other things that are bad, then you make your decision based on those facts. If he is preventing you from being happy and is changing you into something you don't like, then make your decision based on those facts. If there are other issues, then base your decision on that. But it is your choice, and you have that freedom. (I know you know this. :))

That is not what you were seeking when you came here. But, the truth is....we can't tell you how to change him. If there was a way....I would be the first to inform you! Some may try to suggest what you can do in order to try and make changes. But it always sounds like you are the one expected to do the the changing.

I'm going to be painfully honest here, okay? If I had been younger, I don't know if I could have made the same decision. Mostly b/c of the frame of mind I had at the time, I think I felt like I was sacrificing to stay in the M. Honestly, it took quite some time for me to see things on better terms. Today, I am glad I stayed.

If your H will not listen to reason, and won't change the things that hurt you, then you need to make a choice based on those facts. If your lack of respect is greater than your tolerance, then make your decision based on that fact.

If there is hope, no matter how small, that things will get better, then you need to consider making a decision based on that hope.

If your faith is stronger than his weaknesses, then consider making a choice based on your faith.

If you have enough love that can accept all of his faults (big and little), and not hold him accountable for falling short of your expectations, then you need to consider making a decision based on that love.

My dad told me something I've never forgotten. You can withstand anything your M faces....if you have enough love.

So, as simple as it sounds, it's often the hardest to do.

I haven't given you anything you don't already know. But, I just wanted you to know that I hear you.....and I understand. I understand how angry and resentful you feel, and you have every right to feel that way. Based on my experience, things did not get better until I was able to get past the resentment. I had a lot of years built up!

I had to exercise the act of forgiving. I'm not sure this was the advice given to me as a WAW. Most people thought I was very lucky to have a H who would forgive me. But I had to forgive him of a lot of things in the past that was impossible to go back and change history. I learned that forgiveness is letting go of that resentment. And, it didn't come easy for me. But, I think it was probably the first step in healing the MR.

CV, I think you have a lot to contribute to LBS's here. You seem to be well educated and you have the POV of a WAW. In helping others, it may help to heal some of your pain. I have learned so much from the LBS. They have taught me about my own H through their personal pain.