I'm practicing the concept of self-validated intimacy from the book, Passionate Marriage. The author advises the importance of self-soothing emotions, and not being infected by other's anxiety and negative stuff. I get too unbalanced by my W's tantrums, provocations, and irritability. The author also has broadened my perspective on intimacy. He views holding onto oneself and making oneself known, even if not validated as intimacy. My strategy has been to distance, wait, pacify, give-in. The author believes this apporoach hurts a R in the long-term.
I'm not perfect. I probably still do old habits most of the time, but I'm more aware of it, and pausing how to think and act differently. I probably am speaking up more often. I doubt if my W notices a difference yet. It's also hard to know when to speak up and when to ignore and let it pass.
She can be critical about my dancing. She doesn't empathize with the difficulty of learning new moves, or appreciating my learning style. She simply wants a quality of dance I can't always deliver. My tendency than is to be passive-aggressive and dance with apathy, until it's over and then be in a bad mood. Last night, I tried to hold onto myself and maintained a quality dance, and let her seek someone else out when that style of dance came on again (soothe my frustration, and not let her criticism affect my enjoyment).
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
