Weekends STILL continue to be the absolute hardest and lonliest days! For a year I dreamed and fantasized about the weekends where we would be playing wii all night, watching movies, and taking the kids to fun places (H even made some suggestions of things he and I could do together) and that was all wiped away in an instant!!
The LONLINESS seems to be the hardest part for me to get past!! I have friends and support, but it just isn't the same! He was always my very best friend and everyday was geared around hearing from him!
I ALWAYS try to remind myself that the lonliness is only temporary. It is something I have to endure right now, for a brief time in my life, in order to take care of myself and fight hard for my M.
If I can save my M, the lonliness will go away and I will have the one I want to be with for the rest of my life. If I can't save my M then the lonliness will eventually be replaced with someone new, when I am completely ready to let go of my R with H and move on.
Right now, all I think about is H! Not to the point that it prevents me from being me, from taking care of myself, or making myself happy. It's just normal for me to have him in my thoughts constantly. It reminds me of my love for him, that I can forgive him if he will let me, and that we may have happier times lined up for us right around the corner.
I am very seriously considering NC for, at least, the next week (H will probably start to ask about D stuff with the expectation of filing, I will have to fill him in and once I do back to a longer term of NC). I heard from him all, but 2 days last week. UGH, It put me back in a place where I long to hear from him and when I don't I get sad. I need to get myself back to the place where I was when I didn't expect to hear from him. I also need to let him see what it's gonna be like without me waiting in the wings. He rarely contacted me when he was continually with her for that month, but now he can only text, email, or message, either one of us so, I feel like he's been reaching out to me a little more. I want him to see and feel me slip away a little. REALITY!!
Me31 H33 M11 T15 S10, D4 H deploys 01/11 H R&R two weeks 10/11 ILYBNILWY/sep 12/11 homecoming 1/12 pos D 1/13
