Yes, you're in the place where you'll sometimes want to get answers. Whether or not to ask for them depends partly on you--will you be able to live with certain descriptions/confirmations? Will you be able to accept his answers without, as you say, blaming him or using them to make yourself "right?" If you feel you really must know, perhaps you could set apart designated times--no longer than 15-20 minutes--when you are allowed to ask those questions, after which you will have positive interactions. Be aware, though, that because your H is still processing his shame, etc, he may find it hard to comfort you afterwards.
As for "pointing a finger at him," try not to. Keep working on forgiveness for what he's done, and allow him to help you find solutions for what's happening with the kids, etc, without apportioning blame that will only make him feel stuck and take the focus off the real issue (the kids).
You should expect him to take responsibility for his actions, to keep working on his issues and to show commitment with his actions, but since you have no control over his timeframe, try to let that go.
This will be a very confusing time for you, filled with triggers, so keep working on keeping up the positive changes which brought you to Piecing!
